Ribbon
by nicoltyler
Summary: For all its powers and ensuing blunders, the suit could not help on this one. Reviews Welcome.. : NOT A DEATH FIC. I promise to put the characters back the way I found them.
1. Notes

Notes:

1. This is a non-suit story.

2. The Idea for this story started several years ago with a friend of mine as we sat watching GAH and they asked What if...For pesonal reasons which I don't wish to say I put it away till this June when I found our notes on my computer. And the rest is history.

3. First off I am not a MD. But I did spend the last 8 months researching for this story. But I am Fallible and make mistakes. Just remember it is a work of fiction. But a work of fiction that I hope makes a difference even if it is subtle.

4. This story takes place in the late 80's. 20 years ago and believe it or not Research for Breast Cancer was still in its infancy, and a lot of the stuff we see today wasn't around then.

4. You will not find a whole lot of Med terminology. I tried to focus on the human side rather than bog the story down with Med Jargon.

5. I want to thank all the people whom I interviewed to garner info on their experience with Cancer. And Thank you for enduring my endless questions and Also a great thank you for allowing me to take from that and using it in my story, because it is your stories, and your lives.


	2. January 1989 pt 1

**_Dedication: _**

**_To all those who have gone through this and to thier friends and family. You're courage and strength is an insperation_**

* * *

**_"Cancer does not go by the books it doeasn't follow the medical journals, the hundreds of stats and research. It follows its own direction. every case is unique and different, every persons experiance is different. It lives outside the box, which I find makes it a hard foe to beat, to find a cure for. I know that is hard to understand and unless you have been through it you probly will not understand. Still this is what I believe. Because if it wasn't that way then A husband would still have his soulmate, a child thier mother, a sibling a sister and a friend their companion. and I would still be here"_**

**_"K." Last Diary entry _**

* * *

**_-- January 1989 --_**

Oncology. Chemotherapy. Benign. Malignant. Stages...

"All these words and others seemed to blend after awhile," Pam sighed closing the magazine she had been staring at blankly for the past hour. It did not matter what they were in the grand scope of things because when it boiled all down they all meant one thing. Cancer.

She looked around the waiting room. It was rather plain, and the only color was in the zigzag pattern of the chair cushions, which matched the pattern on the floor. Even the walls were plain, adorned with just two paintings that looked like they belonged in some cheap motel rather than a doctor's office.

With a sigh, she closed her eyes leaning her head back against the back of the chair. She hated the waiting, the not knowing if all the treatments and other measures to stop the cancer in her had worked. Would it all be for nothing? What if they did not work and the cancer had come back? What if it spread to other parts ... so many what-ifs, so many choices branched out from this one place. One of them she was not to fond of….a procedure she felt would rob her of her womanhood, or what the doctors so plainly and simply called a mastectomy.

Evan though she corrected Bill over his chauvinist remarks, this was different a part of her and the thought of it made her feel less of a woman and that perhaps her husband would not love her anymore, because she was damaged somehow. The worry she could handle because she knew deep down Ralph would love her no matter what. No, what really bothered her and made her angry was the way the doctor had phrased it and his nonchalant attitude, as if it was some walk at the park, or some procedure to remove a blemish of some sort.

She smiled slightly at the memory of when she had enough of his attitude and told him what was on her mind. She remembered giving him her best lawyer glare, the one that would send a certain agent and his superhero partner for cover whenever it was directed towards them. Pam told the doctor this wasn't some blemish or hangnail, and how would he like it if someone came along and removed his manhood and acted like it was nothing at all.

The memory of the shock that came over the doctor's face made her chuckle a little as her husband shifted in the chair next to her and he reached for her hand, interrupting the memory and bringing the present crashing back around her. Pam looked down at their hands intertwined taking strength from it as Ralph gently squeezed her hand in a silent communication that everything was going to be all right.

The sound of a beeper startled the couple, and Pam smiled apologetically at the few people in the doctor's office who were staring at her before reaching down and pulling it off her purse. She smiled at the number, and handed it to Ralph. The man looked down at the number and rolled his eyes recognizing it as being Bill Maxwell's office number.

"How many does this make?" he asked sarcastically and Pam chuckled softly. "Which do you want, how many pages since this morning or in that last hour?" she kidded playfully.

Ralph just shook his head. "Guess I better go call him before he calls the front desk…." The phone rang at the reception desk "…again," Ralph finished earning a laugh from his wife as the receptionist told him their friend was once again on the phone.

"I don't know who is more nervous me or him," Ralph smiled leaning over giving his wife a kiss then stood up, crossing the waiting room to the desk.

Pam watched her husband as he picked up the phone once again told his friend that they were still waiting and that they would call when they knew anything. Bill must have said something negative because Ralph turned to the nurse at the desk giving an apologetic smile while running a hand through his hair.

Pam smiled as she could imagine what the comment was, guessing it was something about the doctor's ability to do his job. For all his gruffness, and often-annoying personality, Pam was glad her husband had Bill as a friend. The agent had been just as much of a support to her husband as Ralph had been to her. She did not think she could have endured everything if Ralph was not there, and she did not think Ralph would have been able to either if Bill had not been there in the past year or so as a sounding board or distraction for her husband.

"Has it been over a year?" Pam closed her eyes against a small headache that was forming. She really could not imagine that it was 22 months ago that their world was turned upside down. Too many days to count had passed since she got a call from her doctor telling her the routine checkup had turned into something not so routine.

**_-- March 1987 --_**

Ralph Hinkley pulled into the driveway of his home parking behind Pam's car. Turning off the engine he reached over grabbing his briefcase from the seat next to him then got out walking up to the front door. He was lost in thought thinking about school and how it had been a long day and then to top it off there had been a teachers meeting at six that kept him longer than he wanted. He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh and looked at his watch, causing him to groan when he saw it was almost 9 o'clock.

How three hours could be wasted, talking about whether or not the lunchroom needed to have green trays over the red ones they had now was beyond Ralph. He shook his head; Pam was going to kill him. Tonight was supposed to be special, as Bill was out of town until the next day and they knew there would be no scenarios to ruin that evening. He smiled at the idea of the evening activities, and glad it was Friday.

As he approached, he noticed there were no lights on in the house.

"That's odd, Pam should be home," Ralph thought as he glanced back over his shoulder to the driveway to see if her car was there. It was and as continued towards the door he had a sinking feeling something was wrong and picked up his pace.

It had only been a few months since his wife had miscarried and found out they could not have children. Thoughts that something else had happened to her ran through Ralph's head as he opened the door to the house calling her name.

He felt panic rising when he did not hear a response and stepped into the dark living room, turning on the lights. Not seeing her there, he glanced over his shoulder to the kitchen calling her name.

"Pam?" he said, starting to fear that maybe one of the many enemies Bill and him had made over the years had taken Pam and he would need to put on the suit to find her.

He sighed in some relief when he heard her voice coming from the bedroom and quickly crossed the living room. Ralph opened the door and turned on the lights.

Pam was just sitting up on the bed and covering her eyes against the sudden light. To Ralph she looked like had fallen asleep waiting for him to come home. She was dressed in her robe and her hair slightly disheveled. Feeling guilty, Ralph knelt down in front of her ready to apologize for being late, and then stopped when he had a closer look at his wife.

Her eyes and face were red - as if she had been crying, and he noticed that besides the tissue in her hand there were a few lying on the bed next to her.

"Pam what's wrong," his voice shaking some, his concern and worry building again as he sat on the bed next to his wife wrapping his arms around her. Instead of answering, Pam pressed her head into her husband's shoulder and Ralph on instinct tightened his arms around her, resting his chin on the top of her head as she began to cry again.

He was at a loss as to what had made Pam so distraught. They sat like that for a few minutes before Ralph asked his wife again what was wrong.

Pam leaned back and Ralph let go as she stood up, walking over to the dressing table. She picked up some papers, before returning to sit next to her husband.

Still at a loss for words, Pam played with the papers until Ralph reached over stilling her hands. "Pam, tell me what's wrong," he whispered.

Pam looked up then back down at the papers. "You know I went to see my doctor, April Meadows on Monday?"

"For a routine check up," Ralph nodded. "You said everything was fine…"

He then ran a hand through his hair, realizing that what was going on right now was because of that appointment. "...But it wasn't," he said quietly.

Pam shook her head, again playing with the papers. Ralph removed them, and then he placed a hand under her chin, tilting her head up so she would look at him.

"Pam, please tell me what's wrong," he said, then smiled. "I can't be Don Quixote if I don't know which windmills to chase after."

Pam laughed softly at the reference as they had gone the weekend before to see "Man of La Mancha" at the local community play house. Afterward she had teased Ralph that with the suit, he was like Don Quixote as some of the scenarios he and Bill worked on were like the windmills the character chased.

She looked down at her hands and began "As I said, I went to see Dr. Meadows for my annual checkup. This year I asked for a mammogram…" She paused, looking over at her husband who gave her a confused look. Pam knew he knew what the term meant, having talked about a women she knew from the courthouse passing away from cancer three months before.

They were not close, but it still struck hard, and it did not seem fair to her that someone with a family could die from it. Afterward, Pam decided she didn't want that to happen to her or her family so she made sure on the next check up to ask for a mammogram. But, there was another reason too, one she kept quiet about until she was absolutely sure.

"Because of what happened to Carol right," Ralph asked breaking into his wife's thoughts. She nodded, making him frown more in concern. "But that is not the only reason is it?"

Pam shook her head no, as she pulled herself further on the bed, leaning against the headboard before continuing.

"Something didn't feel right. It was like a feeling, I just knew, but I kept putting it off then Carol died and that really made my decision for me. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry…."

"Worry," Ralph interrupted. "Pam, it's my job to look after you, and if there is something wrong I need to know…"

"I know Ralph, I'm sorry. I was so sure it would turn out to be nothing." Pam sighed pulling her legs up close to her then wrapping her arms around them. Ralph saw that she was having a hard time and scooted closer to his wife. He had a sinking feeling in his stomach of what she was going to say next but held back the fear from his voice.

"And..." Ralph prompted gently touching her leg making sure she knew he was there.

"Well those results usually take a week to come back. April didn't seem to think anything was wrong and I went home earning a gold star, as Bill likes to say." She chuckled trying to make light of the situation. However, it did not work, she still felt like a rug had been pulled out from under her.

"She called me this morning before I left for work asking me to stop by her office. I told her I had a court date and wouldn't make it until this afternoon." Pam took a breath and looked at her husband. "She asked for you to be there too. I told her you where busy and probably couldn't make it. ..."

Ralph took in a breath, realizing Pam learned this without him to comfort her. "Pam…."

"I know Ralph, I should have called," she sighed, resting her head back against the headboard. "Thinking back on it now, I don't know what my reasoning was... I guess at the time, somewhere in the back of my head I just thought if you didn't come along it would not be as bad as it sounded."

Ralph felt as if he had been sucker-punched as he finally grasped what she was trying to tell him. He looked at the papers he had taken from Pam as if seeing them for the first time.

They were different articles on breast cancer: what it was, screening, treatments and various other items on the subject. Ralph swallowed hard, blinking back the tears he felt. "They found something?" he said, choking slightly on his words. He saw Pam nod as she rest her head on her knees and his heart broke.

"Oh Pam," he crawled up on the bed to sit next to his wife pulling her close. Pam let herself be pulled as Ralph gathered her onto his lap.

"I'm scared Ralph," she said as she broke down again. Each sob broke Ralph's heart more.

Ralph let her cry and held on to her as tight as he could. He was scared too, did not know what was happening or how to fix it. Ralph had the chance of losing his wife of four years, the love of his life, his best friend and he felt helpless. This was not a scenario were some crook had taken her and Ralph could put on the suit, rescue her and everything would be fine. He closed his own eyes resting his head on hers. For all its powers and ensuing blunders, the suit could not help on this one.

After a few moments, he felt Pam settle down. He reached over for a tissue out of the box and began to wipe away her tears, not knowing what else to do. As he did so, he asked how she got home and why she did not call him earlier.

Pam took the tissue, kneading the material "I don't remember much after what she said. I was there most of the afternoon, while they ran more tests," she brushed away some tears. "I was in shock... I don't even know how I got home Ralph." She fell silent and Ralph pulled her back into him and rested his head on hers once again.

"Was there anything else... do they know for sure…" he said, wanting to hold on to some hope that this could be just a scare that it did not necessarily mean the worst. He wanted…Ralph closed his eyes…he did not know what he wanted right at that moment other than his wife to be OK.

"A lot of it is a blur, but she said she wants a biopsy done …"

"Did they schedule that?" Ralph asked, realizing there was still hope.

Pam nodded "Next week. The appointment card is in my purse." Pam leaned back and moved off the bed, standing up to retrieve the information, but Ralph grabbed her arm and stopped her. He did not want to let go, not yet. Pam sat back down on the bed her hands resting on her lap as she stared down at them.

"Ralph," she started softly "What if it is…" then stopped as a lump formed in her throat. Ralph moved off the bed kneeling in front of his wife, covering her hands with his.

"And what if it isn't…" Ralph wanted so much to reassure her it was going to be OK. He ran a hand through her hair stopping at the base of her neck. She looked up at her husband as he continued, "It is going to be OK, no matter what the results are."

Pam searched her husband's face. She could see fear and worry etched on his face, but in his eyes though she could see his love for her and she pulled on that for strength and courage. Pam smiled weakly and nodded.

"OK," Ralph smiled softly giving her a kiss, as he stood. "Why don't you lay down and I will make us something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," Pam shook her head looking up at Ralph. "I just want to lie down."

Her husband nodded giving her another kiss as she lay down. Ralph was turning to leave when Pam called him back. He turned towards her, and could tell that she did not want to be alone at that moment.

Ralph turned off the bedroom light, walking back and lay down next to her. As she turned her back to him, he pulled her close, wrapping an arm around her waist and resting his head on his other arm.

Pam took the comfort of her husband's arm around her drawing from it. If they stayed like that forever, she did not care. In the safety of her husband's embrace there was no fear, there was no threat, she was safe and the reports and everything that was associated with it were left outside. She knew they could not stay like that forever, no matter how much she wished to. Tomorrow would dawn and they would have to face this in the light of day and all the days after.

Pam closed her eyes, allowing a tear escape as she felt Ralph hold her tighter. She reached for and pulled his hand up to her chest so that their hands rested against her heart. Pam sighed, but that was for tomorrow, there was only right now and the hope and safety it contained...

--

Ralph laid there, sleep escaping him, as his wife finally relaxed and fell asleep. They had survived the reality that they could not have a family and had put the pieces of their life back together. He had accepted the fact that he and Pam could never have kids of their own, and they had even talked about adoption.

Ralph closed his eyes. All those things seemed minor though when compared to the stark reality of possibly losing his wife. The possibility was almost too much for his soul to bear at that moment. This was who he chose to spend the rest of his life with, to grow old with... The one he made a vow to protect, love and cherish until…

He pushed the last thought out of his mind squeezing his eyes shut as his own tears fell. He could feel the easy fall and rise of Pam's breathing and her heart against his hand.

Ralph took comfort on what was there, and fell into the same pattern of breathing of his wife. Everything else was pushed aside. The possibility of what may happen or the what-ifs, that was for tomorrow. Right now and all that came with it, was what he held onto with all his heart and soul. Right now, she was alive and they had each other. And as he let sleep take him he prayed for the best rather than the worse; for strength that he would be able to keep his vows no matter what happened in the next week and beyond.


	3. January 1989 pt2

_**-- January 1989--**_

Ralph, Kid you still there Bill's panicked voice over the receptionist phone brought Ralph out of his thoughts.

"Great, now add him thinking I've passed out from everything," he said, rolling his eyes. "Sorry Bill, I was just thinking about something. What did you say?" He said looking over at his wife who gave him a smile that he returned as he pulled the phone closer to his ear.

Said I was leaving the office in 30 minutes and was asking if you wanted me to bring you guys anything.

Ralph smiled at the gesture. He knew Bill was worried about them and hated seeing the couple go through this, even if he would never admit it openly. "No that is OK Bill. The nurse says it should only be another 20 minutes." Ralph left out the fact that she had said that 90 minutes ago. He also knew, from past experience Pam would not be up for company if the news was bad.

Ralph cleared his throat at the thought the news would be bad and continued. "Why don't you go back to your apartment and I will call you when we are done," he said, and heard the nurse clear her throat, getting the hint. "Oh... Bill, the nurse wanted to remind you that this is a doctor's office and the phone was not for personal calls."

Yeah, yeah, tell her I will play nice and wait for you to call.

Ralph chuckled and said his goodbye, promising once again to call Bill when they knew anything. He then hung up the phone. "Thank you Nurse Metzger," Ralph said handing the set back to the nurse. "And I'm sorry, my friend promised not to bother you anymore."

Metzger accepted the apology with a stern smile as Ralph walked back to his seat next to Pam.

Ralph knew Bill meant well. Ever since Ralph told Bill what was going on, the older agent went out of his way for the couple. If there was something they needed, Bill got it. If Ralph could not make it to an appointment – which had been only a few times, and mostly because of traffic or car trouble- Bill was there.

When Ralph tried to express his gratitude to the agent, Bill would shrug it off, explaining it was purely for selfish reasons that he did it. That is if Pam was not up to par that meant Ralph was not, because the Kid's mind would be on the Counselor, rather than whatever scenario they were running.

Ralph let it go after a few attempts, even though he noticed that the amount of scenarios they did with the suit went down since the beginning of this whole ordeal. And then there were the times he knew Pam called on Bill to distract him or de-stress, whether that was to run a scenario, or simply getting out of the house. Anything to her was better than having him sitting around worrying about her or about whatever was happening at that moment.

Ralph smiled as he sat next to his wife, glad his friend had been there to back him up over the last 22 months. There had been some rough times, times he could not turn to his wife because she was too sick, and he needed to be strong for her. Times he thought about giving up. Bill was there when Ralph needed a sounding board or needed to blow of some steam. Ralph shook his head remembering of some of their "practice sessions" in the desert during those times.

It did not seem to matter to Bill: day or night the agent was always there to keep Ralph's head on straight. "But then again why would he not be there" Ralph thought. His friend knew all too well about what was going on. The agent had been through the same thing years before…


	4. March 1987

Note: From here on out the chapters are in Chronological order. No more back and forth with the past and present.

**_-- March 1987 --_**

Ralph paced the small waiting room outside the OR where his wife was having surgery to remove a mass her doctor had found five days earlier and determine if it was benign or malignant, and if it was they had to see if it had spread beyond the initial area.

Bill Maxwell watched his friend and teammate of seven years walk back and forth, until he could not stand the constant movement. "Ralph would you sit down? You're making me dizzy going back and forth like that." Ralph stopped mid stride and looked at the agent with a confused look. Bill sighed, repeating his statement realizing the Kid must have been lost in thought the first time, and did not hear him.

"Would you quit climbing the walls you're making me nervous as an expectant father," Bill said pointing to a chair next to him; Ralph followed the direction and sat, but only remained seated for a minute before he was up again pacing. "Bill, I just can't sit here and not know what is going on, what's taken them so long."

Bill sighed and shook his head. He could sympathize with his friend. "Kid they're doing whatever it is they're supposed to be doing. The Counselor will be fine, now will you sit down already? Pacing like a caged animal won't make it go faster; all it's doing is winding you up. Now you got to relax…."

Ralph out of frustration turned on Bill, and never understood why he did it, only that he did, all the stress, all the anger of the past five days, he let out in that single moment, and he regretted it as soon as he did it.

"Relax… You want me to relax, what do you know anyway Bill? You have never had to deal with the fact your wife could die. You never had to hold her at night and wonder how long you have left. Or how it feels to have your heartbreak every time you hear her cry and know there is nothing you can do about it. Because …Because…"

Ralph just let the rest fall in the space between them, realizing it was not Bill he was mad at, that the older man was only trying to help. Feeling guilty for lashing out, Ralph turned his back on his friend, forcing his emotions back down before he could apologize to the agent. Behind him, Ralph heard Bill say something and taking a deep breath but not turning around, he asked Bill what he said.

"I said I do know Kid."

Ralph turned around at Bill's comment, his partner was leaning forward on his knees, even though he could not see the man's face, Ralph could tell he was in pain. Nothing physical, this went much deeper straight to the heart.

The comment confused Ralph, and then he remembered.

"I'm sorry Bill, I forgot, I didn't…" Ralph started sitting in the chair next to his friend. Bill stopped him.

"I wouldn't expect you to remember Ralph," Bill sighed leaning back into the chair running a hand over his face, "except for that one time, I've never talked about my wife."

What Bill was saying was true, but it did not make Ralph feel any better over letting his frustration out on the man. He wanted to ask who she was and what happened, but was afraid that Bill would brush off the questions as he had in the past, always telling Ralph to drop it.

Ralph was still debating to ask, when he saw Bill pull out his wallet, open it and from a small slit behind his ID pulled out a picture, handing it to Ralph.

"Karen, she was a nurse," Bill pointed to the women in the picture, and then closed his eyes drawing on memory long buried. "Harlan and I were on a case which landed us a trip to the hospital. She was the nurse on duty, the first time I saw her I told Harlan she was the one. Took me three months to get the nerve to ask her out, every morning Harlan would ask if I asked her yet, then would laugh when I told him no. could you believe it , me an FBI agent and I was scared of a girl?"

Ralph chuckled, trying to imagine Bill so head over heels for some one it took him three months to ask her out. "Well you must have asked and she said yes."

Bill nodded then smiled sadly "Yeah, when I finally asked, she asked what took me so long, but three months later we got married."

"That didn't take long."

"And I never regretted it Kid, she was the best thing that happened to me. And she was tough as nails too, always told you like it was, and wouldn't put up with my talk; she just threw it back at me." Bill chuckled. "She and the Counselor would have gotten along real nice."

The younger man smiled and looked down at the picture. The picture was a small Black and white photo, even though, the edges had frayed, He could still see the two laughing people it contained. Bill was younger, and there was no evidence of the stress, and pain that was in the agent that sat next to him now - which to Ralph was more evidence that what ever happened to Karen was very painful.

"That's all I have left, everything else I got rid of. to many memories" Bill's smile faded. "That was taken on her birthday three months before she died."

Ralph looked down at the picture again and realized the scarf Karen wore was hiding the fact she had no hair. From just looking at the picture, he could not tell that the woman was sick. In fact, to him, it was the opposite. She looked healthy, ready to take on the world and even though the picture was not in color, Ralph could see that her eyes sparkled from the laughter that showed on her face. Ralph brought his attention back to his friend as the older man continued.

"I asked her where she wanted to go, that I would take her anywhere she wanted to go. You know what she said Kid?"

Ralph shook his head, even though he knew it was a rhetorical question,

"She wanted to go to the beach. She dragged me into one of those silly photo booth things on the pier, saying she wanted a picture of her in the new scarf I bought her. Karen was like that Ralph. I saw it as something that reminded me she was dying and she saw it as a fashion statement, she would tell me "I have to make apples into juice so it doesn't drive me insane…"

"Lemons into lemonade" Ralph chuckled.

"What was that" Bill looked over at his friend, slightly confused as to what lemonade had to do with Karen.

"I said the phrase is lemons to…" Ralph started then did not see the point in correcting his friend. He instead asked what made her sick, guessing it was cancer and handed the picture back to Bill.

The agent looked down at the picture lost in some memory before he answered Ralph.

"It took us by surprise one day she was fine, then it seemed like the next she started to get sick, and after all these test, they said she had cancer. They did all they could, but it still spread..." Bill swallowed back the emotion, and cleared his throat, standing up to walk around the room.

"Two months after that picture, she was back into the hospital. They told me she probably would not survive; that there was nothing more they could do. But I didn't want to give up, and insisted they try again…" Bill paused staring at some invisible point in the floor, before he continued. "One night I came to the hospital to see her, and she begged me to take her home. Said she was tired and didn't want to die there, she wanted to be at home. I argued with her, I wanted her to fight. But I had to face reality so I agreed."

Ralph closed his eyes, remembering last Friday, how when he was not asleep he would watch his wife and he wondered if he would have the same courage his friend had if faced with the same choice. He pushed the thought way focusing on what Bill was saying.

"…Three weeks later, I was holding her while we slept - one of the few times she wasn't in pain and I was able to hold her. Sometime in the night, I woke up ... and I just laid there trying to figure out what it was… Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't feel Karen's heart or breathing anymore... that it was the sudden silence that what woke me up. I couldn't do anything but lie there and hold her." Bill sighed running a hand over his face before letting it fall to his side. "It was only after the funeral that I realized the day she died would have been our tenth wedding anniversary."

Ralph felt his own stomach sink with sadness for his friend. Right now, Pam and he were only dealing with the fear she might have cancer, not the fact she had it and there was a possibility she could die. He did not know if he could handle losing her, and could not begin to imagine how Bill felt that night.

"Bill, I…" Ralph started when someone entering the waiting room drew there attention, and both men quickly stood. Ralph recognized the newest arrival as Dr. Ralston, as he was the one performing the surgery. Ralph crossed the room and Bill followed.

Dr. Ralston greeted the younger man and Ralph asked how Pam was doing.

"She is out of surgery, and is in recovery right now…"

"What about the other stuff," Bill asked over Ralph's shoulder where he had been standing behind Ralph, forgotten by the two men. Dr. Ralston gave a question look to the agent, and Ralph spoke up, remembering that Bill had arrived after Pam went into surgery. "I'm sorry, Dr Ralston this is my friend, Bill Maxwell."

Ralston greeted the agent before answering the question. "We were able to remove the tumor and some tissue from around the area. We also removed some lymph nodes to test for any spread if the test on the tumor comes back positive for cancer." Dr. Ralston held his hand up knowing the next question Ralph was going to ask, "The test usually take a few days. After that we should know and have a clearer picture."

Ralph looked down at the floor running a hand through his hair. He did not want to wait anymore "Do you know when she can go home?"

Ralston could see and understood the man's frustration and understood his wanting to comfort his wife, but tried to placate him. "We are going to keep her over night, and baring any complication, which I don't see any she should be able to go home tomorrow."

Slowly Ralph nodded processing the information before looking back at Ralston. "Can I see her?"

"Yes, as soon as she is settled in a room, I will have a nurse come get you." Ralston finished, after answering a few more questions from Ralph and Bill, Ralston left.

It was Bill who spoke up first. "See Kid it turned out alright," Bill said, placing a hand on Ralph's shoulder.

"We still don't know Bill," Ralph said shrugging the hand off before going back to sit down. Bill watched his friend unsure of what to do or say next. After a few moments, he decided that just being there was enough and sat next to his partner and friend.

"Were you scared Bill," Ralph asked breaking the silence.

Bill looked up from his thoughts. "Scared?"

"When Karen was sick were you scared?" Ralph looked at his friend. Bill thought about the question then answered

"Yeah Kid, I was."


	5. April 1987

_**-- April 1987 --**_

It had been a week since Pam's surgery and Ralph Hinkley pulled into his driveway, switching off the car, making no the effort to get out. It was only 2:30 in the afternoon but he was tired and overwhelmed with the news they received that morning. The test results came back and they had just spent the morning and part of the afternoon running more tests and talking with Dr. Meadows and Dr. Ryan Moss, who was now Pam's oncologist.

The results they hoped for were not what they received. Dr. Moss told them Pam had cancer that the tumor was 3 centimeters and was hormone-negative, the cancer cells had also spread to her lymph nodes. This required more surgery to remove the one ones they did not get in the initial surgery, followed by chemotherapy and radiation treatment, to stop the spread, and killing remaining cancer cells.

The prospect of what was ahead seemed surreal, as if it was happening to some one else and not them. Ralph looked over at Pam, who had fallen asleep in the seat next to him. He did not have the heart to wake her up; he knew she was exhausted as the two incisions - one under her left arm and one on her left breast - still made it hard to find a comfortable way to sleep. He even had to be careful how he held her, so he would not accidentally brush against the areas. Then with the stress of waiting for the results, it was a miracle they got any sleep.

With a sigh, Ralph got out and walked around to the passenger side, slowly opening the door. Kneeling next to his wife, he thought about carrying her in but was afraid of picking her up wrong and causing more pain.

"Pam," Ralph gently touched her shoulder to wake her up. On the second try, Pam opened her eyes and turned her head toward her husband.

"Good morning beautiful" Ralph said smiling.

Pam chuckled softly clearing her throat. "I like you to tell me that in three months when all my hair has fallen out."

"I will, even if your hair does fall out and you start glowing." Ralph smiled sadly, he knew her comment was in jest, but it was the way she said it. Almost as if she did not believe him when he told her she was beautiful. "You ready to go inside?" he asked standing up and offering his hand to help her up. She accepted, and Ralph pulled her up, but instead of letting her go, he pulled her into an embrace, making sure to avoid the incisions.

"Ralph what you are doing" Pam laughed.

"I wanted to tell you something" Ralph grinned.

"Oh you did huh?" She smiled "So you decided to hold me captive so you could tell me?" she asked, and Ralph nodded still grinning. "OK, then speak or forever hold your peace," Pam said trying to sound serious but was failing.

Ralph laughed with her. It was good to hear his wife laugh, and it was something he realized at that moment he had not heard in over a week. He let his laughter fade and grew serious. He wanted to make sure she understood what he was going to say.

"I love you Pam..." He placed a finger gently on her lips to keep her from saying anything. "...And I always will."

He paused, as he saw tears forming in her eyes and could feel them in his own. "I made a vow, in sickness and in health; it is one I don't plan on breaking."

She nodded and he wiped away a tear that had fallen on her face and Ralph continued. "You will always be beautiful to me, whether you have hair or not You're my wife, and nothing is going to change my love for you, if anything it will make it stronger…" he was going to say more when he saw her flinch and breath in sharply. Looking down he saw that while he was talking he had shifted his arm slightly and had brushed against her left side where the incisions were.

"I'm ok Ralph, I just moved wrong that's all" She tried to explain to keep him from blaming himself

He told her to sit anyway kneeling once again in front of her and mentally kicking himself for not being careful. After a few seconds, she opened her eyes and looked down at him studying his face for a moment. She saw all the stress of the last week and a half there and knew her own face reflected it as well.

Even though she had prayed for a better outcome on the test, she had been relieved in a way, because now they knew what they where up against, it was no longer an unknown in their lives. It was something they could face. She did not know if she had the courage to do it or even the strength, but knew where she lacked in those things, her husband tried his best to make up for with his own love, courage and strength.


	6. July 2, 1987

_**-- July 2 1987 --**_

Ralph stepped out on to the back deck, turning the porch light off before pulling the door closed, and walked to the railing. He then leaned forward on it, looking at the scenery outside. The sun had set hours before, and with the porch light off, the entire beach was black, allowing the stars to shine and multiply across the night sky. A short distance away, he could hear the tide crashing against the shore and nearby seawall. The closest neighbor to his mom's beach house was a half mile away to his left and to the right was the seawall that bordered the property.

He closed his eyes, taking it all in and grateful his mom had invited Pam and him to spend the holiday weekend with her there. They had arrived earlier in the evening and looked forward to the long weekend to relax and recoup from the last few months.

Ralph sighed at the thought. He could not believe it had been a little over four months since they found out Pam had cancer. To him it was like a giant whirlwind of activities, tests, treatments, and everything else in between. There were times he felt like he was the observer looking in from the outside.

He frowned at the thought. It was not too far from the truth, as most days there was not much else he could do but watch. Ralph glanced over his shoulder when heard the door behind him open and saw the porch light come on. "Hi Mom," he smiled.

"Oh I'm sorry," Paula said caught off guard at seeing her son outside alone, thinking he was in bed. "I didn't realize you were out here Ralph... do you want me to turn the light off?" she asked, placing a book on one of the chairs.

"No that's OK," Ralph shook his head. "I couldn't sleep so I came out here," he finished turning back to the beach. He was lost in his thoughts as Paula walked over, leaning on the railing next to her son.

She glanced over at her son, worried for him. Paula could tell the last few months weighed heavily on them, especially her son whom she had always known to take on the weight of the world when loved ones were hurting. When the couple arrived earlier, it sadden Paula when she saw how much the young woman had changed since she saw them on her son's birthday in February, and how tired they both looked.

Paula turned to look back out at the beach. "A penny for your thoughts," she quipped breaking into the man's thoughts.

"And a nickel for your dreams," Ralph chuckled, finishing the line his mom always used to coax her kids into talking about what was on their minds. "Guess I haven't been much for company tonight," he sighed, walking over to sit on one the deck chairs. The long drive north along the coast had worn Pam out and soon after they arrived, after eating dinner, she went to bed. Ralph followed but not able to sleep came outside instead.

Paula simply smiled and followed her son, sitting in the chair next to him. Both enjoyed each other's company for a while before Paula broke the silence again still worried about how he was dealing with everything, asking how he was feeling.

"I'm fine," Ralph asked running a hand over his face. "All things considered, Pam is the one you should be asking."

"I did," Paula nodded looking out into the night "She seems more worried about you than herself at the moment. And I would have to agree Ralph; you seem to have a lot on your mind. What's wrong?"

"Nothing really," he said with a sigh and stood back up. "And Pam has enough to worry about than to be thinking of me."

"Why shouldn't she Ralph?" Paula asked, sitting on the edge of her chair and followed with her eyes as Ralph paced the deck. "Pam knows she is not the only one dealing with this and you can't ask her to ignore that fact."

"But I'm not going through it like her," Ralph stopped facing his mom and pointing toward the house. "I don't have cancer. She does." He stated then pointed to himself "I just get to be the observer looking in from the outside and watch as one day she seems in perfect health, like there is nothing wrong then the next she doesn't have the strength to even get out of bed."

He then leaned back on the railing, crossing his arms and looking down at the deck with a sigh "You have seen what's it is doing to her Mom. The things they are doing to help seem to be making it worse and her body isn't taking it well."

"What do her doctors say?"

"They say it happens." Ralph looked up, running a hand through his hair before placing both hands on the railing behind him. "Some take it well and others do not. Pam just happens to fall in the group that does not"

"They are doing the best they can hun. You have to believe that it will get better… "

"Yeah, the power of positive thinking, easier said than done," Ralph groused starting to pace again "It's just so hard to only sit and watch it all happen, and not have any control over it. I get so frustrated at the whole thing, not being able to do something... anything to fix it, I feel so...

"Helpless," His mom finished for him. Ralph stopped his pacing as his mom continued "Less of a man, because you're not some superhero that can just with a thought make everything better," she stated and Ralph chuckled inwardly at the irony of the comment. His mom did not know about the suit, the green guys or how he wished he could do just that. Ralph sat down with sigh, leaning forward on his knees as Paula continued placing a hand on her son's back.

"You are selling yourself short Ralph thinking that. You are doing more than you can imagine. Imagine if you were not there to help in whatever way, when she needs you the most. I know there are many women who have to do this alone with no support of a husband who loves them as much as you love your wife. Pam is a very lucky woman despite what you feel or think. She has you and that is the best support and medicine she can have, even if all you can do at times is sit beside her and hold her hand."

"I know Mom," Ralph sighed, resting his head on one hand and looking at Paula. "I just wish it were me and not her. I would give anything to switch places with her Mom."

"I know you do son," Paula ran a hand through his hair, "and then I would be having this conversation with her and not you." She smiled slightly earning a chuckle from her son.

"Yeah," Ralph nodded, having to agree with her that either way it would be something him and Pam would have to deal with as a team. "Thanks Mom." He leaned over giving his mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek, feeling a little better than he had when he first came out.

"You're welcome dear; now, go on inside and get some rest."

"You're not coming inside?" Ralph asked standing up to leave.

Paula shook her head and picked up the book she had set down earlier. "No, I'm going to read some...That is why I came out here in the first place you know."

"Oh I see..." Ralph pretended to be hurt as he continued. "You just wanted to get me to leave so you can read your book in peace."

"Well of course dear, this is a good book ... enjoyed alone thank you," Paula said playing along feigning shock. "Now you go on in. I think your wife needs someone to keep her warm on these cool summer nights." Paula laughed, opening the book and leaning back in her chair, not missing the fact her son blushed at the comment and continued. "Don't be embarrassed Ralph, I may be your mother, old and a widow but I haven't forgotten what goes on in the bedroom behind the closed doors of young couples."

Ralph felt his face grow hot, and wondered if he was blushing as red as the suit. "Good night Mom," he said sheepishly, shaking his head and opened the door to go inside.

"Goodnight dear," Paula replied, "Give Pam a kiss goodnight for me." Ralph blushed again at the comment earning a laugh from his mom as he entered the house.


	7. July 5, 1987

_**-- July 5, 1987 --**_

It was Fourth of July weekend, for most of the country meant celebrating freedom and independence. For Pam it reminded her of the disease that held her captive. It held her hostage, and with no ransom demand, she was subject to its whims. Even the treatments controlled every aspect of her life.

Pam ran a hand under her eyes, wiping away some tears as she sat at the end of a low sea wall. From where she sat, she could watch the ocean as the waves came in and out. On the horizon, the sun was setting, turning the sky into brilliant pinks and blues.

With the setting sun meant the long holiday weekend was ending, and tomorrow she had to start another cycle of chemo and continue the radiation. The thought of it made her stomach churn. She hated the fact her body was not taking the treatments well, and how it made her feel afterwards.

A soft breeze ruffled her clothes and making her chilled as the summer heat gave way to the cool evening that was common along the coast. Pam felt something brush her face and she reached up to push her hair back, only to be reminded by the scarf she wore that she did not have any. She tried for a week to wear a wig, but the material in the ones she tried irritated her scalp, making it impossible for her to wear them. Frowning, she pulled one leg closer to her so she could rest her chin on her knee, letting her other leg dangle over the edge of the sea wall.

The young woman was not expecting that side effect to the chemo and radiation. She had heard about it, but did not think it would happen to her. Pam chuckled and looked out at the waves. Of course, she thought ruely, she never believed she would find herself fighting a disease that did not play by the rules, did not care what economic level you were, your age or what the color of your skin was.

She saw how true this was when she went for treatment. The women she saw at the clinic were from all walks of life, yet they shared a common thread - cancer. She saw the encouragement they gave her and others as well. They all shared stories of their families, and gave advice on how to deal with the situations they faced. The women were one of the few things she liked about the visits to the clinic, and it saddened her when she heard a bad report about one of her new friends.

"This was my favorite spot to sit, when we brought the kids here for the summers," a woman's voice behind her commented, drawing Pam from her thoughts. "I can see why" Pam glanced over her shoulder, "it's beautiful." She smiled as Paula Hinkley handed her a blanket and sat down on the wall next to Pam. "I wish I could stay here forever," Pam finished wrapping the blanket around her shoulders, looking back out over the water.

Paula smiled at the comment. Watching her son and his wife over the last few days, she could see that the time away from all the stress lately was good for them. She could understand why Pam wanted to stay here forever. For her it was an escape from all the harshness and realities of cancer in their life. She recognized how Pam saw this place as a refuge, a place of sanctuary from life.

Paula frowned at the last thought, remembering the argument she overheard between the two. It was the reason her daughter-in-law was out here, sitting on the sea wall, for the past hour and her son was somewhere further down on the beach.

Paula had been in her room when the couple came home from a run to the store. From the minute they entered the house Paula could hear them arguing. She did not want to get in the middle, so she just listened from her room.

As they came closer to her room, Paula could hear what they were arguing about. Pam wanted to stay one extra day, which would mean having to reschedule an appointment.

Ralph did not want her to miss it but the younger woman did not think one day was going to make a difference. Doors slamming and the house suddenly quite brought Paula out of her room. Finding the house empty, she went out on the back deck, and found the couple walking in opposite directions - Pam to the sea wall where she now sat and Ralph along the beach.

Paula cleared the memory away, then turned her focus back the woman next to her, "You are right it is beautiful," Paula looked back out. "There are times I have wanted to come here and never leave, especially after Ralph's father died, but I knew I couldn't hide from the outside world. Even if I tried, it always seemed to find me."

Pam nodded, staring down at her hands, She knew what Paula said was true. She could not hide from the outside world forever. Pam thought about the fight she and Ralph had earlier and continued. "You know what I told him, before I came out here." Pam looked at her mother in-law. "I told him to hell with the treatments that I didn't care if I took another one….That I was sick of them, sick of how they made me feel. Sick of…"

Pam stopped pulling both legs to her chest as she remembered the look on her husband's face, and she regretted every last word, wanted to pull them back, but it was too late: the blow had been given, and it struck hard.

She continued. "Ralph just stood there stunned. He didn't have to say anything; his face showed me how much my words hurt him. I had to get out of there before I said anything else. Ralph followed me, telling me to stop but I just kept walking, ignoring him, I just wanted to be alone. He didn't follow me very far; I don't even know where he went." Pam put her head on her knees. "I hurt him so much, on top of everything else."

Paula placed a hand Pam's back. "You two have been fighting this thing almost nonstop without a break or even a chance to breathe. I cannot even begin to understand how overwhelming that is for you two… I would be amazed and worried if either one of you did not get angry at some point during this…"

"It wasn't just that Paula." Pam interrupted. "It was the fact that as I was saying those words, I believed every one of them. I truly wanted to give up. And I think Ralph heard that in my voice…"

"Pam," Paula spoke up stopping Ralph's wife. "My son loves you. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at you. You are his world and as such, it is tearing him up inside seeing you go through this. Ralph has told me he wishes it were him in this situation and not you. And I believe he would do whatever you wanted, even if it meant stopping treatment. He would do that because he loves you. It would hurt him deeply, but he would do it."

Pam wiped away her tears. "I know he would, and I know... It's just right now where I am sitting, I see this long road ahead and I can't see the end of it." As Pam continued she felt all the emotion that had built up over the last few months come pouring out.

"And it frustrates me…because I feel like my body is no longer mine. I am tired of being poked and prodded, like some science experiment… of always being…" Pam paused clenching her hand into a tight fist against her chest and looked at Paula. "I'm just tired of it all and I see how it is affecting Ralph too. I know he is trying to be strong, but I see it wearing him down and what a heavy burden it is. . . I just want us to be able to wake up one morning and find it is some sort of dream…" Pam let the rest trail off putting her head down on her knees.

Paula wrapped her arms around the younger woman. Pam accepted the gesture and leaned in, resting her head on Paula's shoulder letting herself cry. After a few minutes, she had cried herself out, but stayed resting on Paula's shoulder.

As Paula comforted the woman, she saw some one approach. She turned her head slightly, seeing her son come up the sea wall and stop on the opposite side of his wife.

Crouching down on the balls of his feet, Ralph looked worriedly at his wife then to his mother asking with his eyes if she was OK. Paula nodded and Ralph gently touched Pam's shoulder, suggesting they move off the wall before it got too dark to see their way. The two women nodded in agreement. Ralph helped his mother first then turned to help his wife up.

Instead of helping her to her feet though, he knelt back down, scooping his wife up into his arms. Pam did not fight the action, but instead cherished it, letting herself relax against him and closing her eyes, knowing her husband needed that closeness as much as she did.

Paula picked up the blanket that fell when Ralph picked up Pam, and smiled as her son made his way along the wall. She saw the deep love they had for each other and knew if nothing else that love would see them through this time, and she hoped it had a happy conclusion.

Ralph held onto his wife tight. He had been surprised at how light Pam felt and the ease with which he could pick her up without the suit – but realized it was another a stark reminder of the last few months. He didn't really know the exact reason why he picked her up as she could have walk back on her own accord, but only knew he needed her close. Pam's last words of the fight echoed through his mind and he gently squeezed her close.

Their fight earlier had struck hard especially her words. He knew she was not giving up and understood that most of what she said came from exhaustion and frustration, but the words and the certainty in her tone still hurt.

He stepped from the rocks and onto the sand, setting Pam on her feet. Paula gave her son a hug then handed him the blanket, before walking to the beach house a few hundred feet away leaving the couple to talk.

Except for the two, the beach was deserted and the sun had completely set.

There was just the single porch light from the beach house, which only lit the immediate area around the house leaving most of the area beyond, including the couple, outside its glow and in the shadows.

Ralph turned back to his wife, who had sat down on the sand with her arms wrapped around her as she huddled against her knees. Even in the dim light, he could see how beautiful she was despite everything. Every morning he would watch her sleeping, grateful that she was there. He also prayed it would be that way for a long time to come.

With a heavy heart, he walked over and sat behind his wife wrapping his arms and blanket around her. Ralph sat there, resting his head against her shoulder, letting every sense of her fill him.

"I'm so sorry Pam," Ralph apologized breaking the silence. "I didn't mean to make you upset…"

"Ralph, wait," Pam moved turning slightly and bringing her hand up cover his mouth. "I should be apologizing, not you. I should never have said what I did. You were right it is important to stay on track and..." she turned back, facing the ocean leaning against her husband. "I can't hide out here forever, no matter how much I want to."

Ralph kissed his wife on her neck. "Apology accepted ... as long as you accept mine." Pam started to say something but Ralph stopped her. "I was just as much at fault as you Pam. I should have listened to what you were saying and understood how you were feeling, But I didn't, all I saw was staying on course because I am so scared of losing you. And not having any control over everything that is happening to you…"

Ralph did not get to finish as Pam turned around in his arms and gave him a kiss. Ralph pulled her close as he leaned back into the sand drawing her with him. The kiss ended and Ralph looked up at his wife, who smiled down at him. "Apology accepted," she stated simply.

Ralph laughed, rolling over so that Pam was on her back and he was above her. "You know what the best part of fighting is?"

"What is that?" Pam asked coyly, putting her arms around his neck, knowing were this conversation was going.

Ralph made a show of looking up and down the beach then back at his wife. "The making up," he whispered with a smile, leaning down to kiss her again.

Pam turned her head away playfully "Ralph, we're on the beach. What if someone walks by?"

"That's what the blanket is for," he said with a mischievous look, pulling the blanket closer around them and leaned down to give his wife a kiss, which Pam accepted. In that moment all else faded and was forgotten: there was more cancer, no more pain, no more thought was given to the road ahead, it was just them and their love for each other.


	8. October 1987

--

**_October 1987_**

Pam pushed the door to the Cancer Care Clinic open, stepping out into the warm autumn day. The warm Santa Ana winds had blown through a few days before pushing most of the smog that usually covered the city out to sea leaving blue skies. Pam pulled her sunglasses out and put them on as she looked around the parking lot for Bill Maxwell. The man was the "all around taxi" for the day with Ralph being out of town at a teacher's conference until tomorrow morning and her car going into the shop the day before.

She did not mind that too much; true Bill got on her nerves at times, but she still considered him a friend and loved to find new ways to rankle the agent's feathers at any and every chance. And with her car stalling in the middle of rush hour yesterday, calling Bill to help was her only option, and it was a better one than the option of calling Ralph at the conference. Not that her husband would have been mad, the opposite in fact Ralph would have insisted on coming back. She did not want that, as it had been hard enough for Pam and even Bill for that matter to get the man to attend the conference without her . An important court hearing and today's session at the clinic kept her from going.

Then again after her day yesterday, with the car troubles and yet another continuance on a current court case, made a few days with her husband at some teacher's conference seem a lot easier.

"Not much I can do now," Pam sighed to herself wishing she had gone with Ralph instead. After another scan of the parking lot, showing no signs of the agent, Pam glanced at her watch, remembering she had told Bill to be back around 4:30, which according to her watch was 15 minutes away. That meant he was not late and for him that was a miracle.

Pam looked around for a place to sit, deciding to wait out in the warm sun rather than the freezing clinic. Spotting a small park bench under a tree not too far from the entrance, Pam walked over and sat down, closing her eyes and soaking in all the sun. She never understood the reasoning behind the center keeping the place 10 degrees colder than outside.

"I see I am not the only one who enjoys this spot over the Antarctic they call a clinic,¨ a woman's voice stated close by and Pam smiled recognizing the voice but kept her eyes closed as she answered.

"You don´t think they will bring that equipment out here do you, Jennifer? That is if we complain about how cold it is in there.¨

"I don´t know but with the best lawyer in L.A. behind us I think we have a fighting chance,¨ the woman laughed sitting next to Pam. Pam laughed and opened her eyes, looking over at Jennifer who was an older woman about 15 years Pam's senior. She was petite with auburn hair that had streaks in a few spots of silver as if someone had taken a paintbrush and painted select portions, giving the streaking effect, which had been the result of the chemotherapy the woman went through and finished a few months before. On any other women, the effect would have made them look older, but on Jennifer, it made her look younger. It also helped that her petite size made her look around Pam's age to begin with.

Pam leaned over and gave Jennifer a hug. "How are you doing? I haven't seen you since you ended your chemo…" Pam paused realizing that maybe her friend had come back for other reasons. "You don't have…¨

"No it's OK,¨ Jennifer said understanding that the younger women thought she had a recurrence of cancer as that was always at the back of one's mind once they were told the initial treatments had worked and were clear of cancer. She smiled when she saw the look of relief in the women eyes and continued. "No the cancer hasn't come back. Diane asked me to come in and talk to a new patient, Christa Santos."

"For Diane's new program," Pam nodded. Diane was the clinic director who had started a program a few months' prior, matching new patients with those who had already finished the treatments to help them get through the initial process. It was a good program and Pam considered helping once she was done. She also remembered the women Jennifer was talking about. "I saw Christa as I was checking out, she wasn't very talkative. I'm assuming she just started."

"Yes," Jennifer answered looking over the parking lot "That is why Diane asked me to come by. Her son is back east so she really doesn't have anyone here in town..."

Pam listened as her friend continued, remembering her first months dealing with cancer and all that came along with it. Everything had settled down and gone back to some form of normalcy, about as much as one could have while dealing with this disease. She knew part of that was because Ralph had been there supporting her, Pam could not imagine how the last few months would have played out if he had not been there.

Jennifer let the conversation fade when she noticed Pam was lost in thought. "You OK Pam?"

"Huh?" Pam asked, shaking her head a little clearing it of her thoughts "Oh sorry, I was just remembering my first few months, and how tough it was even though I had Ralph there. I can't imagine how Christa feels right now." Pam smiled softly looking sideways at Jennifer. "I was also feeling a little sorry for myself, with Ralph being away until tomorrow."

"Where did he go?" Jennifer asked, taking the opportunity to change the subject seeing it was bothering Pam some. She glanced over Pam's shoulder as someone approached and stifled a smile, recognizing the new arrival as the younger woman answered.

"Ralph has been at a teacher's conference the past two days. He was one of the speakers for a few of the workshops on working with troubled teens. You should have seen the trouble it was to get him to go. He had been waiting all year for this opportunity, before all this happened and I didn't want him to pass up this chance. Though I have to admit now I wish he didn't have to go. You would think he had been gone a week the way I've missed him the last few days, especially with how bad they were, first work then my car…."

"Well, it is said that absence makes the heart grow fonder," the new arrival stated, taking another step closer to Pam. "Which of course only makes catching up sweeter," he finished, leaning over and giving Pam a kiss on the cheek.

The action startled Pam who turned around and was surprised to see her husband standing behind her smiling. "Ralph!" Pam laughed standing up and giving her husband a hug and a kiss, which he readily accepted.

Jennifer smiled and stood up to leave when the kiss ended and Pam looked over at her friend blushing slightly. "I'm sorry Jennifer," she said and turned back to her husband. "Ralph you remember Jennifer?"

Ralph smiled holding his hand out, shaking Jennifer's hand. "Yes I do, especially since it was her son that helped take Whitney to the state football championships his senior year. How is Tom anyway?" Ralph asked, placing an arm around Pam.

Jennifer laughed; amazed the man would remember her son. "He's doing good, and should be graduating from UCLA next spring."

"Wow, already I can't believe it," Ralph shook his head, remembering the student who almost did not graduate because of his grades and would not have if Ralph had not helped him. "Pam, did I ever tell you about this kid, he was the best on the field…"

"Yes you did" Pam laughed shacking her head " Though I think your exact words were 'He is going to be the next Price Cobb,' even down to you helping him pass his classes, well this time being English instead of algebra."

"Well I am a teacher after all," Ralph, grinned sheepishly, realizing that Pam repeated what he had said that one day fairly well.

"Yes you are hun," Pam said giving her husband another kiss. "And the best."

"Why thank you," Ralph chuckled returning the kiss. "It's good to know someone notices," he finished and the other two to laugh again. Jennifer then said her goodbyes to the couple and went inside leaving Ralph and Pam alone outside.

"So tell me ... what you are doing here instead of at the conference and what happened to Bill?" Pam asked as they turned towards the parking lot.

"Well, my last workshop ended at 12 and there wasn't anything else for me to do so..." Ralph shrugged, again placing an arm around Pam guiding her to their car.

"So you decided to skip the rest of the conference and come home," Pam said shaking her head "Ralph you shouldn't have done that."

"Well I did" Ralph nodded with a smile as they reached the car "but I can always go back if you want me to and call Bill to come pick you up instead." Ralph playfully removed his arm placing his hands in his pocket and pretended to walk away.

"Not so fast," Pam laughed and caught him before he got too far; "The least you can do is take me home where we can discuss…"

"Whether or not I should go back to the conference?" Ralph teased, wrapping his arms around his wife leaning her against the car.

"Among other things," Pam smiled playing with the front of his shirt.

"Deal," Ralph smile coyly, sealing the deal with a kiss then opening the car door for his wife. As Pam got in the car, Ralph reached into his coat pocket pulling out a small neatly wrapped box and handing it to her, before shutting the door and walking around to the driver side.

Pam looked curiously at the box "What is this Ralph?" she asked as Ralph got into the car.

"It's a present," he shrugged, putting the keys in the ignition then turning to Pam, who rolled her eyes at the comment. "I see it is a present Ralph, but what is it for; it isn't my birthday or our anniversary..."

"Does it have to be a special day to give something to my wife?"

"Yes," Pam mocked.

"OK then," Ralph replied looking up and thinking of a holiday or some special reason then thought of one and looked back at his wife. "I got it…it is 'doing something nice day.'"

"That is not a real holiday Ralph," Pam laughed at his answer.

"Yes it is," Ralph frowned, pretending to be hurt and placing a hand on his chest. "I would have you know lots of important things happen on 'doing something nice day'."

Pam tried to be serious but was failing. "Oh, like what?"

"Like what ... hmm ... let me see," Ralph looked up again placing a finger to his lips thinking. "Well like uh... giving you a gift. See that is doing something nice," he explained, pointing to Pam, who looked at the small box hiding her smile.

"But what if I do not like it," she shrugged, looking back at her husband.

"I think you will."

"I will huh?" Pam asked looking back down at the box in her hands acting as if she needed to think about opening it, even though she was curious. At the same time, she enjoyed the small game they played; as such times seemed to come less often since March.

"Yes," Ralph laughed also enjoying the game. "Now, will you open it?" he said and playfully shook her shoulder acting like a kid on Christmas day.

Pam laughed and slowly took the wrapper off earning a groan from Ralph as he reached over to try to hurry up the process. Pam just pulled the box out of reach, laughing some more and explaining it was her gift and she could open it however she wanted. Ralph gave up and leaned back against the driver side door watching his wife with a smile.

Pam removed the paper then opened the small box. On the inside of that was a small velvet pouch. Removing the pouch then placing the box to the side, Pam opened the bag and gently shook out the contents into her hand.

She gasped to see a bracelet now in her hand. The bracelet had Abalone shells cut into small ovals a half-inch in diameter and set in silver mounts. In between each shell, connected by a thick silver link that had been shaped into two loops that twisted in the middle, was a dark midnight blue stone also set in the same silver mount as the abalone. Pam held the bracelet up and the blue stone reflected the light giving the appearance of stars set in the night sky.

"Oh Ralph this is beautiful...How... I mean..." She was a loss for words over the gift she held in her hand.

Ralph smiled "Well, the shell pieces are from the abalone shells we found at the beach house in July. And, do you remember that crafts fair we went to with Tony and Rhonda?" Ralph asked.

"More like I dragged you and Tony to," Pam chuckled.

"OK, dragged us to. Anyway, when I saw how much you liked the abalone bracelets at that one booth…"

"That gave you the idea for the bracelet," Pam said holding the bracelet out and placing it on her wrist to see how it looked on her wrist.

"Yes. I got the information from the person at the booth and took the shells we found to her. She set the shells in silver mounts and added other stuff to protect them then finished the bracelet with Blue Goldstone."

"Blue Goldstone?"

"Yeah," Ralph nodded, taking her wrist and helping her with the bracelet. "That is the Blue stone with the copper flecks. She asked whom it was for and I explained to her why I wanted the bracelet. She choose the Blue Goldstone, saying it was associated with relieving stress and would go with the Abalone as it is associated with healing and stuff like that. I didn't totally understand it all, but it turned out nice," Ralph smiled as he finished fastening the clasp, then holding Pam's hand.

Pam looked at the bracelet on her wrist running a finger across it. "Not 'nice' Ralph... it's beautiful."

Ralph placed a hand under her chin tilting her head so their eyes met. "Well, not as beautiful as the wearer"

* * *


	9. November 1987

--

**_November 1987 – Thanksgiving Day_**

It was warm thanksgiving afternoon in the Hinkley home, and like most homes around this time year, it was full of family and friends. In this case the family was Pam's parents Alice and John Davidson, then Ralph's mom Paula Hinkley, and the friends consisted of Tony and the soon to be Mrs. Villacana, Rhonda Blake, rounding out the group was the ever present Bill Maxwell, Ralph's longtime friend and partner in all things suit related.

Pam looked over at the three women sitting with her at the table on the back patio playing cards. The women were enjoying the weather while the men were inside watching football. The aroma of the coming feast filtered through the screen door and Pam looked at the two cards in her hand and smiled seeing that once again she was going to win the round- that is if she played her cards right.

"Rhoda I think it was your turn" Pam spoke to the women on her right; Rhonda nodded and placed one card on the pile.

"one 5" She stated and looked around the table to see if anybody was going to challenge her, no one did and Alice placed her cards stating she had two sixes, next came Paula

"3 sevens" She said, Pam debated whether to challenge her, then opted not to and instead placed her last two cards down

"Two eights and I'm out" She declared folding her hands together and resting her chin on them smiling at the other three daring them to challenge her.

"Bullsh…" Paula started to challenge her Daughter in-law then with a glance at Alice quickly changed her wording "Cheat" she finished.

Pam laughed at the almost slip. "You sure about that Paula"

"Of course, you maybe the best Lawyer in town but your poker face is terrible, Pam" Paula chided wagging her finger at the young lawyer.

"Is that so" Pam feigned hurt, she knew the women comment was merely in jest, and reached for the cards she just placed turning them over reveling two eights. The table erupted in laughter and Paula rolled her eyes in mock disbelief that Pam had won once again.

"What do you expect from the Top Lawyer in LA" Pam shrugged in laughter collecting the cards

"I'll make sure to remember that the next time I get a traffic ticket" Her mother in law laughed then continued "oh speaking of which Ralph told me you just won a big case last week, he didn't say much about it other than it has led to some good offers from some other firms in the city"

"Ralph didn't say much because I wasn't able to tell him much, still not actually and it has led to _one_ offer not many, but I am going to pass on it"

"Why are you going to do that, Ralph said it was a good offer" Paula asked and Pam shook her head

"It was very good, but I like where I am now, besides my seniority there lets me set my own schedule which has helped," Pam explained shuffling the cards. "And I really can't leave in the middle of the trial, The case Ralph mentioned was only phase one, next will be phase 2 starting in the new year, which means between now and then it is all long hours, no sleep, and no time to even breath, as we pull things together for it." Pam smiled and started to deal the cards, thinking about the next month, it was going to be hectic but the prospect excited her.

"Well I don't understand why you are still working Pam" Alice spoke up while her daughter dealt out the cards

Pam sighed rolling her eyes, she was well aware of her mom's opinion of what was going on, and it irked her that her mom couldn't except the fact she wasn't going to stay home and wait to get better not if she didn't have to.

Both Paula and Rhonda looked down at their cards, avoiding the comment as they had most of the day whenever the subject came up. They could tell Alice cared and loved her daughter, they also saw how overboard she was going, and how stifling it was for an independent women like Pam. Each of the two women had already diffused two separate arguments before they started and neither thought they would succeed a third time.

Seemingly oblivious to the tension forming at the table Alice continued, "I mean you should be at home taking care of yourself, not wearing yourself down with all these cases and stress, Ralph should let you stay home I mean he can afford it now being an assistant vice principle…"

"Mom," Pam interrupted her mother but stayed focused on her cards in an attempt to stay calm, it irritated her that her mom assumed Ralph was not doing his job as head of the house, especially in this matter, which was far from the truth. "I already told you I am not working because Ralph lets me; I am doing it because I want to, and Ralph respects that, I don't understand why you…."

"I know dear," Alice continued talking over her daughter "but it's just…"

From inside the house a cheer followed by a very loud complaint from one Federal Agent filtered outside interrupting Alice.

Pam took advantage of the distraction to separate herself from her mom and the pending argument. She wanted the day to be a good one, "I think we need some more chips." She stated getting up from the table grabbing the full bowl of chips "Does anybody want anything?" Pam asked looking at Paula and Rhonda, both of whom said they were fine.

"ok, go ahead a start the next round without me" Pam said and continued to the house.

Paula watched her Daughter in law leave sympathizing with her need to cool off. She turned back to the others and noticed Alice had started to stand to follow her daughter.

"So Alice," Paula quickly distracted the women "Pam was telling me that your daughter Cathy was starting her residency in the spring."

"Yes, Cathy, we are so proud of her," Alice smiled looking in the direction her daughter then back at Paula, sitting back down "She choose a program about an hour away so she and her husband could come home on the weekends if they want. It also gives me a chance to see my granddaughter"

"Oh that's wonderful" Pam heard Paula say and glanced over her shoulder while opening the screen door and caught Paula giving her smile before turning back to Alice who had pulled out pictures of her granddaughter. Pam just rolled her eyes then proceeded inside.

* * *

Once inside she put the bowl of chips on the small breakfast table then sat down resting her head in her hands trying to push a headache away that was threatening to start. Pam really could not blame her mom for saying or being the way she was, she knew her mom had not dealt with her daughter having cancer day in and day out, had not seen the effects of it until Monday when she arrived. When Alice had first found out about the cancer in March her first instinct was to rush to her daughter's side, but Pam had quickly settled the older women's fears and convinced her not to come knowing fully how her mother would be, which was something she could not handle those first few months. Even this holiday visit was something Pam was hesitant about and it had surprised Pam when her mom started to cry after seeing her. Until that, point Pam did not even realize how complacent to having cancer she had gotten. To her and everyone she interacted with on a daily basis it was now just a normal way of life for her.

"As normal as it can be anyway" She sighed rubbing her face and looking around the kitchen, she really didn't want to go back outside, nor did she want to go into the living room. Continuing to look around her eyes fell on the oven timer and noticed the turkey only had a few minutes left, so she decided to get the rest of the dinner ready.

She walked over to the refrigerator and started pulling out the pumpkins pies, and other items setting them on the table. She had grabbed a bag of marshmallows out of the pantry for the yams that were in the oven along with the turkey when she heard Ralph and Bill come into the dining room.

"I'm telling you Ralph your wrong," Bill said entering the kitchen, her husband close behind close behind. Out of habit, Pam handed Bill his box of dog biscuits.

"Thanks counselor," He said, taking a biscuit out, he leaned against the counter and continued "there is no way the cowboys are going to lose you saw the lead they have"

"Yeah" Ralph nodded opening the fridge and pulling out two drinks handing one to Bill "I also saw them just fall apart right before the half Bill and I'm telling you they are going to lose." He said walking over to the table watching his wife who was now sitting down "just like they have all season"

"Kid, you're rootin for the wrong team here if you think Minnesota is going to win, I mean Holcomb down in accounting said Dallas is a sure thing, I wouldn't have put money on it otherwise"

"Bill this wouldn't be the same guy that told you Detroit was going to win over Kansas today" The younger man pointed out as he reached over to grab a marshmallow only to have his hand slapped playfully by his wife. He smiled and gave his wife a kiss using the distraction to grab the marshmallow, Pam looked up with a mock glare, he gave her an innocent smile and both laughed as he continued talking "What was that score again Bill" Ralph asked sitting in the empty chair across from Pam

"27 to 20 Kansas" Bill rolled his eyes knowing the younger man already knew the answer

"That's right 27 to 20" Ralph snapped his fingers leaning forward on the table and giving his wife a wink then stealing another marshmallow. Pam stifled a laugh when she realized that Ralph was only rooting for the Vikings to get under his partners skin, that if Bill had been for the Vikings, her husband would have been rooting for Dallas.

"They were cheated," Bill groaned walking over to the table

"Bill they lost and it was more than a loss that is a slaughter." Ralph laughed

"Yeah well the slaughter is going to be on Monday when I get my hands on…." Whatever he was going to say next was lost when the timer on the oven beeped and Pam quickly stood up knocking her chair over and nearly colliding with Bill as she reached over to turn the timer off. She didn't want her mom to come into the Kitchen.

Ralph stood and picked up the chair as Bill gave him a confused look, which he shrugged at not sure what the sudden panic was all about, and gave his wife a concerned looked as she leaned against the stove. They did not have to wait too long for the answer though.

"Dear is everything ok?" Alice asked from outside

"Yes Mother" Pam said

"What was that noise?" was the next question and the two quickly connected the pieces as they heard a moving chair and someone approaching and Bill headed Alice off at the door while Ralph went to check on Pam.

"Ah, nothing happened" Bill said through the screen door just as Alice came up,

"Nothing, but it sounded like someone fell" She gave him a skeptical look not really buying his story. She never really liked the agent, not when she first met him the weekend she met Ralph and especially not after the fiasco, her daughter's wedding turned into which she wholly blamed on the man.

"Ah well" Bill hemmed 'You see Ralph here was just showing me some knew wrestling tricks and he got the better of me." Bill glared over his shoulder at the couple when he heard a stifled giggle then he turned back to Pam's mom. "And I knocked over a chair"

Ralph shook his head as they both listened to Bill try to explain what happened. He then turned his focus on his wife. "You ok Pam?"

She nodded then looked over at Ralph "Has she managed to wrap me in cotton batting yet?" Pam asked with a chuckle

"No not yet" Ralph smiled recognizing the reference to last night when his wife had complained over her mother treating Pam like a piece of fine china that needed to be wrapped in cotton and protected. "And from the looks of things you are safe for a while longer" he finished nodding towards Bill who had been successful in turning Alice back.

"So counselor, I am assuming that dinner bell was for the bird in the oven" Bill smiled as he walked over to them.

"Yes, at least I hope so," Pam said stepping back from the stove " Ralph can you check the turkey while I finish preparing the rest of the food to go in the oven" She asked grabbing and tossing a pair of oven mitts at her husband " It will keep you from eating all the marshmallows"

"Hey I was doing a quality check," He smirked as he put the mitts on and opened the oven.

"Yeah well now you can check on the quality of the turkey... turkey," Pam laughed earning a swift yes mam followed by a mock salute from her husband before he reached in to pull oven rack out. Pam just shook her head walking over to the sink as her husband checked the turkey.

"Well it looks like it is done"

"Ok then go ahead and take it out, while I get the platter " Pam asked over her shoulder drying off her hands and pulling open the cabinet door that held most of their dishes. Not seeing it there, she asked Ralph if he knew where it was

"Yeah..." Ralph turned around "it's up in the top of the cabinet by the back door," he said.

Pam looked at the high cabinet that even with her height was a bit out of reach then looked back "Why there?"

"Well, I didn't want it broken by accident because one of us... namely me... decided to fix a batch of baked beans and pulled it out by mistake…"

"Yeah then butterfingers here would have dropped it or something" Bill quipped, only to receive a face full of oven mitts that Ralph tossed at him causing him to spill his drink "Hey what did you that for," Bill, griped trying to wipe the soda off his shirts "And this was my best shirt"

"If that's your best shirt Bill I would hate to see the bad ones," Pam laughed as she pulled the step stool out then set it up after shutting the back door so the cabinet would be easier to reach.

"Funny Counselor" Bill grumbled walking over to the sink to try to remove the stains. "Ah geeze this stuff ain't going to come out."

"Bill, it will come out, I promise" Ralph said trying to keep from laughing, "If not I will buy you a new shirt now can you get the turkey out while I help Pam"

"Yeah sure whatever Kid" Bill turned off the faucet and went to take the Turkey out while Ralph went over to Pam

"Pam, why don't you let me get it" Ralph asked holding stool keeping it steady as Pam stepped onto the top step.

"It's ok" Pam said reaching into the cupboard pushing some dishes out of the way "Ralph I thought you said it was up here"

"It is, I put it up there myself "Ralph said stepping out of the way of a small box that fell out of the cabinet while his Wife moved stuff around. The stool wobbled some as she stood on her toes reaching further into the cabinet

"Pam, don't do that"

"Do what?" she asked resting back full on her feet and looking at Ralph

"Stand on your toes while on the stool, it's not that steady, besides we could use a different Platter why do we need that one"

"Ralph I'm fine" She said and continued looking "Besides that Platter was your Grandmothers, I thought it would be nice to use it while your mom was here"

"It's not that important..."

"Found it" His wife said pulling the platter out showing it to her husband

"Good" Ralph sighed, "Now will you get down, before something…." He started and looked out the backdoor window just in time to see Alice open the screen door then push the backdoor open tipping the stool

"Alice wait" He shouted pushing the door closed at the same time grabbing the stool. The sudden movement startled Pam who dropped the plate nearly hitting Ralph as she fell off the stool. Ralph quickly let the stool go and caught his wife knocking him off balance.

He then took a step backwards to try to keep balance and ran into the table causing it to tip slightly and sending most of the its contents crashing to the floor before Bill was able to catch the table keeping it and the couple from completely falling over.

"You alright Ralph" Bill asked once Ralph set his wife back an her feet

"Yeah, except for my pride maybe" He replied rubbing his back in the spot where he hit the table

"My hero" Pam chuckled giving Ralph a kiss

"Try to be anyway" Ralph responded and surveyed the damage.

"Whoa, Mr. H what happened in here" Tony said seeing the mess; the commotion had brought the rest of those in the house and patio into the Kitchen. "You didn't let Rhonda, help again did you Mrs. H" The young man laughed then stopped when he heard his fiancé say his name then march past him, glaring at him as she passed. "What did I say?" He asked shrugging his shoulder

"Villacana, you really know how to talk to a lady don't you" Bill shook his head

"This from a confirmed Bachelor," Tony scoffed "what do you know anyway Maxwell?"

"Tony" Ralph said in his tone of voice that always brought his former student to attention, Tony didn't know about Karen and Ralph didn't think now was the time to bring it up "why don't you go take care of Rhonda while we get this place cleaned up"

Tony nodded backing off, and leaving Bill who started to say something but a look from his friend kept him quiet and he started to help clean up. Ralph with one confrontation diffused turned around to face another he overheard starting behind him.

"Mom, look what you did." Pam complained kneeling down to pick up what was left of the platter

"I said I was sorry dear" Alice apologized again picking up a few of the shards, and Paula continued "And it's alright Pam, it's just a plate…"

"It's not alright, Paula," Pam interrupted picking up another shard at the same time her mom grabbed for it, both tugged on it, but Pam lost her grip and cut her hand open as she let go of it. "Damn it" She said through the pain as she stood crossing to the sink, Ralph followed turning on the water.

"Bill, can you get to first aid kit out of the bathroom?" Ralph said rinsing off her hand and getting a closer look at the cut.

"First aid kit," Pam's mother asked standing next to her Daughter "Maybe you should have a doctor check that dear"

"It's fine Alice" Ralph spoke up before his wife could

"I don't know dear that looks pretty deep…"

"Mother, Ralph said it's fine, it's just a cut, one I wouldn't have gotten had you….Ow" Pam gasped turning back to husband, who had squeezed her hand slightly as he dried it off.

"It was an accident Pam," Ralph stated as Bill returned setting the kit next to him. He was slightly frustrated with how both his wife and mother in-law were acting. More so at how Alice made Pam feel, but he did not know how to diffuse the situation before it slid into a conflict.

"That's not the point Ralph" Pam started to protest, "If she had been watching where she was going"

"And if you had let me get the platter this wouldn't have happened" Ralph cut in stopping his wife, and even as he said it he knew it was the wrong thing to say no matter how true it was.

Pam glared at him "Why are you standing up for her Ralph?"

"I'm not….I mean …what I was…" Ralph stammered as he finished wrapping her hand but Pam cut him off

"She's been treating me like some sort of fragile doll since she got her, and you're defending her"

"Pamela" Her father who spoke up trying to placate his daughter "Your mother was only trying to help"

"You know what…." Pam started then stopped looking around the room, at a loss for words. She knew what they all said was true, that they were only looking after her. Nevertheless, she also wanted them, especially her mother, to stop "helping" because it was not helping, all it was doing was reminding her of something she did not want to talk about and something she tried to forget especially on days like this. When all she wanted to do was enjoy her friends and family, without the subject of cancer coming up or the constant reminder she had it.

"Never mind forget it, you win mother" Pam finished, anger and frustration clearly in her voice, and without another word she simply turned, walking out into the backyard. The screen door clicking shut behind her, leaving a silent group behind.

Ralph ran a hand through his hair asking Bill to help Tony and Pam's father to put the second leaf in the table to make it longer so it was set for dinner. He then asked his Mom to help Alice and Rhonda to clean up, while he went to talk to his wife.

Alice stopped him placing a hand on his shoulder "No Ralph, I'll go, you stay here and help"

He stopped looked at his mother in law then the back door; he wanted to be the one that went out there but agreed to let her go knowing this was something Pam and her Mother needed to work out alone.

* * *

Alice stepped out on to the back porch; with a sigh, she scanned the backward for her daughter and smiled softly when she found her towards the back sitting on the wooden garden swing Pam's father, Ralph, and Bill had built a few years before. She chuckled at the fact it was still standing, considering the comedy of errors involved with putting the contraption up. Shaking her head at the memory Alice walked over to where Pam sat.

She knew the reason Pam was out here was because of her. But what else could she do, her daughter was sick, and kids were not supposed to die before their parents, or at least that is always what she heard. Maybe she had gone overboard; Alice thought as she walked, maybe she had let her own concern and fears dictate her actions, instead of considering the fact her daughter was not a child anymore but an adult, one who even as a child was independent and strong willed, never letting challenges keep her back.

"Is there room for one more?" Alice asked when she reached the swing. Pam looked up from her thoughts then scooted over so her mom could sit. It was evident to Alice, the younger women was still upset. The two women sat in silence for a while as Pam gently pushed off the ground causing the swing to move before Alice spoke.

"Pamela I'm…

"Mom please don't say you're sorry" Pam stood up from the swing

"What do you want me to say then?" Her mother asked watching as her daughter paced.

"I don't want you to say anything, but what I need you to do is stop treating me like I'm dying'

"But you have…."

Pam stopped and turned to her mom "I have what? Cancer? Yes, I do," She sat back down on the swing "but it does not mean a death sentence Mom, all it means is I have something in me that makes me sick"

"Your Aunt Sarah died from it…"

"Aunt Sarah was in her 60's and died 20 years ago Mom," Pam stated turning in the swing so she could face her mom better " I'm only 33, I don't have the cards stacked against me like Aunt Sarah did, things have changed, treatments are better, they are not like they were then"

"I understand that Pamela" Her mom said looking down at her hands "I just worry about you and I guess in way I am scared of losing you. And I was only trying to help"

Pam smiled softly, realizing that she had been a little harsh with her mom the last few days. It wasn't that her mom was intentionally smothering her but something that she on instinct did to try to protect her. Something Pam knew she would have done also had the roles been reversed.

"Mom, I understand you worry, and you're just trying to help and in some ways you are but in others you're not" Pam held up a hand when her mom tried to interrupt "Now hear me out Mom, I really do appreciate the help you have been the last couple of days, with cleaning, shopping and getting everything ready. It would have been a lot more stressful with work to get it done if you had not helped. I know that you think I should stay home, but you have to understand I am not going to stop my life when I don't have to. If I did that then I would be giving up, and I can't do that. This maybe a part of my life, but I am not going to let it take over" Pam pointed towards the house "Everyone in that house accepts that cancer is a part of our lives now and they respect and support me in the decisions I make concerning how I face this." Pam then pointed to herself "I just need you to respect that and me"

"I don't know how." Alice shook her head and looked over at Pam "You're my Daughter Pam, how am I supposed to act"

"I am not asking you stop being my mom, I am just saying stop acting like I am going to fall apart or break if the wind blows in my direction. To just love me like you always have. You have to understand Mom that yes I have cancer but it hasn't changed who I am." Pam finished and the two fell into silence again. Alice sat for a moment thinking over what her daughter was saying and the last few days realizing she was being a little over protective.

"Your right Pamela, I'm so…" Alice stopped short of apologizing, remembering her daughters request at the beginning of this conversation, she knew Pam was right, that her daughter might have cancer but she wasn't going to give up without a fight, Alice smiled at that thought and continued "And you are right about something else too"

"What's that?"

"You haven't changed a bit, Pam," Alice smiled at her daughter "You are still as stubborn as you were when you were a little girl"

"Well you were a good teacher, Mom"

"No, I think you learned that one from your dad" She said and they both laughed.

The screen door opening drew their attention and they saw Ralph coming towards them

"I have been ordered to tell you two that the natives are getting hungry" he smiled stopping at the edge of the small garden. "And Commander Bill doesn't know how long he can keep them at bay"

"I guess you are our escort then" Pam smiled as they both stood up from the swing

"At your service my Ladies" He said giving them a bow, earning a laugh as they linked their arms with his and Ralph escorted them to the house.

Once inside Pam stopped just outside the dining room watching the people sitting around the table. Eight months ago she didn't know what would happen when she found out she had cancer, wasn't sure if she would make it this far. But she had and what she told her mom outside was true she wasn't going to let it defeat her. Looking now at her friends and family Pam knew she had too much to live, and be thankful for to give up.

Pam let the thoughts go as her husband stepped behind her "Is everything ok?" He asked wrapping his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder wondering why she hadn't sat down yet.

"Yes" She smiled and turned around in his arms "and it's going to stay that way"

* * *

**_Later that night _**

"Goodnight mom" Ralph waved as Paula's car pulled away from the curb and he turned around following Pam towards the house Everyone had returned to their various homes and hotel rooms leaving the couple once again with an empty house.

"And so ends another successful thanksgiving" Ralph said shutting the door once they were both inside.

"Thank goodness it is only once a year" Pam wearily sighed as she continued towards their bedroom

"Yeah" Ralph chuckled, turning off the lights in the kitchen and living room. "At least they helped clean up before they left"

"True," Pam said from the bedroom as she started to change "though I don't think you would have been able to convince my mom not to." Pam smiled hearing Ralph laugh and adding the same goes for his mom as she removed her shirt placing it on the bed then sat down closing her eyes feeling worn out, slightly nauseous and the start of a headache coming on.

A few seconds later she heard Ralph enter the bedroom and stop in front of her. She looked up to see him standing over her holding a glass of water in one hand and pills in the other. Pam rolled her eyes "your worse than my mom you know that" she said taking the glass and the pills.

"Not quite" her husband smiled and shrugged "and I do know you haven't taken those today knowing how they make you feel." he took the glass from her once she was finished, placing it on the nightstand then kneeled behind her on the bed giving her a neck rub. "Besides, I don't think your mom gives as good of backrubs as I do"

"Well that is debatable" Pam smiled letting herself relax.

"Oh is that so?" Ralph mocked pulling his wife back some and giving her a kiss on the neck.

"Well the jury is still out on that, though it does seem to be going in your favor"

"That's good" Ralph kissed her neck again and continued massaging her shoulders as Pam relaxed more as she thought about the day. It was nice having everyone over, her parents, Paula and Bill, even after the fight with her mom the day seemed to progress fine. However, while it was fun it was also tiresome and by the time everyone had left, she felt completely worn out and hoped she was up to shopping with her mom and Paula tomorrow.

"Ralph," Pam started continuing thinking about the day and coming up with an idea "How about for Christmas, we do something different"

"What did you have in mind?"

"I don't know." Pam shrugged "Maybe going somewhere, no family, friends…"

"no Bill or suit scenarios" Ralph chuckled

"Yes especially no suit and No Bill, just the two of us, we really haven't done that since…" She stopped before saying since they found the cancer "Well you know, just somewhere"

"Ok, where do you want to go, anywhere you want to go I'll take you…" Ralph paused thinking about the last statement then shook his head clearing it when he heard Pam ask if there was something wrong.

"Huh, oh nothing" Ralph answered and stopped the massage sitting behind his wife, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her shoulder. "Nothing's wrong I just thought of something"

Pam turned around on the bed facing her husband "Ralph, what it is?" she asked concerned by his sudden change and noticing a sadness in his eyes.

"It was nothing" Ralph answered trying to reassure her with his best smile "Now tell me where you want to go" Ralph changed the subject back to where Pam wanted to go for Christmas running a hand along her shoulder. She debated pursuing it more but decided to let it go

"I was thinking maybe" she looked down at her hands "we could go to the beach house" She finished looking back up. There it was again she thought that glint of sadness, or maybe it was fear in Ralph's eyes before he quickly covered it. Why was it there "But if you don't want to go" She said still wondering about what she saw.

"No that's ok, the beach house is fine" Ralph smiled softly "though you do realize how cold it will there this time of year"

"Well I'm pretty sure we can think of something to keep us warm" Pam smiled pushing aside her worry and scooting closer Ralph.

Ralph smiled "I'm sure we can think of something"


	10. Dec 22, 1987

_**Dec 22, 1987**_

As far as Pam was concerned, The Federal Courthouse was far too busy for it to be only three days before Christmas.

"Figures," Pam sighed in frustration as she turned a corner and saw a mass of people crowding the hall outside one of the three courtrooms in the corridor. The courtroom she wanted, however, was at the opposite end.

As Pam started to make her way through the crowd, she felt flushed as well as tired - despite it only being just after 12. It didn't help that the narrow hallway she was in was not made for the amount of people present making it seem - at least to her - hot, stuffy and hard to breathe. To top it off all the conversations bounced off the ceiling high above her, reflecting it back making the noise in the hallway rise to a disorienting level.

She was glad all she had to do was turn over some files to Judge Linton's chambers and she was done for the day, then she and her husband were driving up the coast to the beach house. Pam smiled at the thought, as they had not been there since July and she looked forward to spending the next week there with Ralph ... alone.

The last month had been as hectic as she predicted around Thanksgiving. And with Ralph missing school last week due to the flu on top of everything else, getting away would be a nice change of pace.

Thinking she heard her name Pam glanced over her shoulder as she stepped around another group, only to have someone nearly knock her over, making her drop some of the files she had. As she knelt down to pick up the files, she heard someone chew the culprit out and smiled when she recognized the voice as Bill.

_"Same old charming Bill to the rescue," _Pam chuckled to herself as she collected some of the papers from the floor. She stopped, briefly placing her hand on the ground to keep her balance when she felt slightly out of breath, but the feeling subsided and she continued.

"Here let me get that Counselor," the agent grumbled kneeling down to help. "Geesh some people can be complete dunces sometimes."

"Thanks Bill…" she smiled then stood, the action brought the feeling of being out of breath back and she inhaled deeply, only causing her to cough. "So are you part of this mess or the cause," Pam asked guessing the agent must be there to testify in some trial and nodded toward the crowd around them. She did not notice Bill look up at her in concern not liking the way she sounded.

Despite his concerns, Bill continued. "Very funny Counselor…Some thanks," Bill rolled his eyes as he stood up handing Pam the files. When he got a good look at his friend's wife, he could not miss the fact she looked pale and her cheeks where flushed despite the fact the hallway was cool.

"I could throw you a parade Bill, but I don't think we can get any more peo-…" Feeling dizzy, she paused putting a hand to her chest, which felt constricted and closed her eyes. As she did, the noise level faded and she felt Bill grab onto her arm keeping her steady.

"Counselor!?" shouted Bill when Pam then suddenly relaxed, drawing attention and questions from the others in the hall. Bill ignored them and lowered the woman to the floor, noticing she was having trouble breathing. He also noticed for the first time her lips had a slight blue cast to them.

The sudden feel of the cold floor, and Bill yelling at someone to call an ambulance, startled Pam and she opened her eyes, feeling disorientated and unable to breathe. Bill was leaning over her, holding her in place and telling her to do something but she could not focus on what it was. She only knew she could not catch her breath, causing her to panic and making it worse.

_"I don't want to die,"_ she cried to herself. The last of her air was escaping; she could not breathe and grew terrified as darkness was closing in. She could feel quiet descending, taking over the panic, everything fading from her vision, her last thought, the one she held on to was her husband.


	11. Dec 22, 1987 cont

_**Dec 22, 1987 (continued)**_

Ralph Hinkley pushed through the Emergency Department door frantically looking around. He was looking for his friend and partner Bill Maxwell, who had called him 30 minutes before at the school; even though school was out for vacation he still had things to finish before their trip to the beach.

"_Though_ _now_ _the trip was unlikely to happen_." he thought solemnly to himself as he went over everything his friend said, which wasn't much at all. All the agent would say was Pam collapsed and was taken to the hospital, and that he would explain to Ralph what happened when he got there.

The younger man probably broke every traffic law there was trying to get to the hospital. While he was thankful there were not any patrol cars along the way, it did not matter to him. He would gladly pay all those tickets as all he could think about was getting there, and going over in his mind what could have possibly gone wrong.

When he left that morning, everything seemed fine. He remembered Pam mentioning she was tired and a little sore, which was a normal occurrence in their lives lately. Seeing he was acting like a mother hen again, Pam told him not to worry, that she was all right. Despite his doubt, he let it go.

Ralph ran a hand through his hair wondering, thinking back on it, if he should have persisted. With a sigh in frustration, and not seeing Bill he hurried over to the admitting desk.

There was no one at the desk and it took several tries to get someone to stop so he could ask about his wife.

Finally, a nurse came into the station "Can I help you sir?" she asked as she looked through some of the files spread out across the desk.

"Yes..." Ralph looked at the women's nametag. "Nurse Midland, I am looking for my wife. She was brought in by an ambulance a few minutes ago."

The nurse nodded, seeing that the man in front of her was worried about this wife and asked what his wife's name was.

"Pamela Hinkley" Ralph answered, watching as the nurse sat at the station computer, after a few seconds, she looked up sympathy on her face. "I'm sorry Mr. Hinkley but I don't see anyone by your wife's name in our system…."

Ralph drummed his fingers on the desk, annoyed at the findings. "What do you mean? She has to be in there, my friend called said she was being taken to the hospital."

"Was she brought it by Ambulance...?"

"Dammit yes," Ralph said in frustration. "I already said that, now will you just check again?"

"Please sir," The nurse held up her hand trying to calm the obvious distraught man in front of her. "I understand you're worried, but I will not get it done faster if you order me around."

Ralph blinked, realizing he was letting his frustration and worry dictate his actions. He blushed slightly, took a deep breath and let it out "I'm sorry, could you please look again?"

The nurse nodded accepting the apology. "Can you spell your last name for me? Maybe it was typed in wrong."

"H-i-n-k-l-e-y"

Nurse Midland typed in the name then hit enter waiting for a response from the computer, and she shook her head when nothing came up. "I'm sorry. What time did your friend call, maybe they haven't arrived yet."

Ralph closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out, before he opened them again and looked at his watch. "He called about 30 minutes ago. The courthouse isn't far from here so I know they beat me here."

"Maybe they went to…."

The man briefly rapped his fist on the desktop, frustrated and exasperated he couldn't find any answers to how Pam was. "NO! They came here. He said…"

"Ralph," said the familiar growl of his friend and Ralph spun around to see the agent standing behind him. He quickly closed the gap between them and asked Bill where Pam was along with a half dozen other questions as to what was going on.

Before answering, Bill smiled at the nurse in apology for his friend's reaction - though he had to admit he had done the same many years prior - and pulled Ralph to the waiting room forcing the man to sit.

Once they sat down, Ralph started asking questions again. "Bill, what the hell is..."

Bill held up his hand. "Ralph cool it. Calm down, you're not going to do the Counselor any good if you get yourself all worked up…the doctor's with her now," he said and handed him a clipboard with papers attached to it.

Ralph looked at it then at his friend with a questioning look, and Bill continued. "It's paperwork they asked to be filled out, I was able to tell the doctor the basics: Who she was, that she was taking chemo and all, but I wasn't able to give the list of meds that was involved or if she was allergic to anything, was waiting until you got here to fill it out. This is probably why she isn't in the system, at least in that nurse's computer anyway."

"Oh," Ralph simply said and took the clipboard, starring at it blankly before putting it down and running a hand over his face.

"I don't understand, what happened Bill? She was fine this morning or at least I thought so..." Ralph leaned forward on his knees clasping his hands in front of him. "I mean she was feeling tired the last couple days and I told her to stay home today to rest. It was only a half day at school for me and I would be home by one then we could go to the beach house," he said, than ran a hand over his face. "But she insisted because she had let her assistant go early and these files needed to be in some judge's chamber before the end of the week…It doesn't make any sense, everything was going so well...she shouldn't be here…" Ralph swallowed hard forcing what he was feeling aside and didn't finish with what he was going to say, instead he picked up the clipboard and focused on filling out the paperwork using it as a distraction to keep him from completely falling apart

Bill mournfully watched Ralph as the man struggled to fill out the details on the paper. He understood what his friend was going through, but like Ralph never understood how things like this happened. They never made sense to him, not when it happened to Karen and not now seeing it happen to his friends.

"Kid, I don't know what to tell you" Bill sighed sitting next to his friend. Ralph stopped writing, but did not look up from the paperwork. Bill was not sure if Ralph was listening but continued anyway. "I was there testifying on that scenario we busted a month ago, the one with those drug running creeps. I already gave my testimony and we just let out for a break."

Bill paused, waiting for a response from Ralph but did not get any. "Anyway the Counselor walks by not giving me the time of day - I think she had a lot on her mind because I called her name but she didn't say anything. I go to tap her on the shoulder when some jerk knocks her over. After I chewed the person out, I helped her up. She didn't look to well and she was coughing, like she couldn't catch her breath, then the next thing I know she's passed out and that's it."

Bill finished not having the heart to tell Ralph more. He did not want to tell Ralph how her skin was hot to the touch, and when she did come to she was disorientated which caused her to panic. Bill remembered painfully how he tried to get her to calm down, but she didn't and she finally passed out again from the apparent panic attack brought on by whatever was making her sick. He especially did not want to tell Ralph that he was scared and believed Pam was going to die before help arrived, and there wasn't anything he could do about it.

Ralph moving next to him and rubbing at his eyes pushed the image out of Bill's head, and he looked over to Ralph. The man was still focusing on the paperwork but hadn't filled anything in. After a second, Bill took the clipboard back asking the questions on the sheet, while Ralph answered him softly. When the paperwork was done Bill took it to the nurse, then returned sitting next to his friend as they waited in silence for the doctor to come out and give them news.

* * *

An hour later, Dr. Rich Corley walked into the waiting room area, He was overworked and exhausted, the majority of his compassion and empathy for his patients had long faded and he longed for home more than anything. And according to his watch he was in the last hour of a very long shift that never seemed to end.

He really hated working during the Christmas shifts. Those shifts that usually started two days before Christmas and ended two days after. And to him the ER was usually filled with every fool imaginable that had no common sense, and what made it worse was this wasn't his normal shift , or even his department. He was just covering for another doctor, occasionally though Corley got the legit case like the one on the folder in his hand.

These were the ones he truly felt sorry for, the ones that really needed help and if they made it through Christmas, it would be a miracle. _"Why is it always around Christmas?"_ he sighed and scanned the waiting room. He hated this part just as much, having to give bad news to already hurting people, especially around Christmas.

When his scan did not find who he was looking for he called out the name.

"Mr. Hinkley," he said, and on the opposite side of the room, he saw two men stand. He watched the two men as they crossed the room. The older man he knew from when his patient first came in and his brief encounter with the man and the virtual chaos he created upon arrival did not adhere the doctor to the older man. The second Corley guessed was the women's husband, and that he was clearly distraught.

"Mr. Hinkley, Agent Maxwell, I'm Dr. Rich Corley. I have been assigned to your wife's care," Corley greeted them, and then guided the two men to a quieter part of the waiting room. He did not bother telling the agent he only wanted to speak to Mr. Hinkley, knowing the man would probably follow anyway. Once there Ralph asked how his wife was.

"It was touch and go when she first arrived but she is stable for now and…"

"For now? I don't understand" Ralph asked confused. "What's that supposed to mean? What's wrong with her?"

Ralph felt a hand on his shoulder and he glanced toward Bill, who with the gesture was telling Ralph to chill and listen to what the doctor had to say. Ralph nodded and Corley looked down at the chart he was holding then solemnly at the man in front of him. "Mr. Hinkley, your wife has an extreme case of pneumonia."

"Pneumonia… How…I mean ..People don't get this sick..." Ralph stumble over his words then closed his eyes to reign in his thoughts before he continued " I don't understand Dr. Corley... how could this be making her this sick? I would have noticed something like that."

"Not necessarily, Mr. Hinkley, it could have been easily been masked by what she or you thought was fatigue or the effects of her treatments. Especially if it started out as viral then turned," Corley looked between the two men. "Has your wife been around anyone with the flu or who was sick lately?"

Ralph nodded running a hand through his hair. "I had it last week, but it was minor and I got over it quickly." He said, leaving out the part that it had earned him a trip to the doctors, a stay in bed for a few days before Bill dragged him out on a scenario, and that part of his quick recovery was most likely do to the suit. "What does that have to do with my wife?"

Corley sighed and shook his head. "Mr. Hinkley you do know that chemotherapy can lower your wife's immune system and she has to be careful who she has contact with especially right after a session.."

"I know that, but her last session was about a week before I got sick, and like I said it wasn't that bad."

The doctor furrowed his brow; upset how this man's apparent ignorance was why his wife was in the hospital. "Mr. Hinkley, in some cases that is true in others it is not. Sometimes chemotherapy can cause extremely low white blood cell counts. As you know, they are a part of the immune system. When it does happen, her body has no defense against an infection such as the flu," Dr. Corley glanced at his chart again, "and based on her records that point, which she was most vulnerable, was probably when you were sick. Pneumonia, in itself is not life threatening in a healthy person but in your wife's case. There are a number of things that could happen, one of which is it could get in to the bloodstream..."

Corley paused letting the information sink in, then continued when it looked like the man still did not get what he was saying "Essentially what I am saying Mr. Hinkley is to your wife, that minor case of the flu as you put would be the same as you standing in front of a bullet with no protection."

Dr. Rich Corley had no way of knowing that the man in front of him had stood in front of a bullet and taken the brunt force of it. While his comment had the effect he wanted, he was not expecting the reaction he got.

To Ralph it was like being shot all over again as he realized the severity of what the doctor was saying. He clutched at his own stomach, as if feeling the pain all over again only this time the pain was guilt over what he felt was his fault.

Bill watched all the blood run out of his friend's face, at what the doctor said, and fearing the man would pass out quickly sat him in the nearest chair. "Kid, take it easy," Bill said as Ralph leaned forward on his knees, his head in his hands. The agent then kneeled next to the man to be ready to catch him in case he did faint. After a few seconds, Ralph cleared his throat, and with out looking up asked if his wife was going to die; the emotion could clearly be heard in the man's voice.

Corley thought about what he was going to say next, realizing that perhaps he was blunter than he should have been. "We are doing the best we can to make her comfortable…"

Ralph looked Dr. Corley in the eye. "In other words she is going to die," he stated before looking back down, staring at some spot on the floor. Both Bill and the doctor saw the defeated look in the man's eyes and posture.

Dr. Corley avoided the comment not wanting to cause anymore pain. "We are doing the best we can, Mr. Hinkley, but as I was saying before your wife is extremely ill, and her body has very little defense to fight it off. But we are working to correct that and prevent it from getting worse than it is.."

Ralph did not want to hear or want to know that it could possibly get worse and he interrupted the doctor. "Can I see her?"

Corley almost said no and telling the man, he had to wait until they transferred her to ICU but changed his mind. "Yes, have the nurse direct you and give you a mask to avoid further…" He let the rest drop as Ralph went to the desk and did as instructed then entered the exam area to find his wife. With a sigh, Dr. Corley turned away and walked over to the nurse's station Ralph just left.

Bill watched the scene play out in front of him. All the life went out of Ralph's eyes when Dr. Corley explained the situation, more so when the doctor said the Counselor could die. Even that hit the agent hard, and he could only draw from his own experience with Karen to know how Ralph felt.

Worried that the doctor's insensitive and clinical talk was going to cause both his friends to be in the hospital, or worse Ralph give up at a time he needed to be strong, Bill intervened.

"Dr. Corley" Bill called and Corley turned around.

"Yes Mr. …"

"_Agent_ Maxwell" Bill corrected the doctor, who nodded and smiled. "Agent Maxwell, is there something you need?"

"Yeah I want to know where you get off saying to my friend what you did."

Corley scowled at the man in front of him. He knew what the agent was referring to, he heard it at least a few times per shift and Bill Maxwell was not the first today.

"Agent Maxwell, you are referring how I handled his wife's situation?" Bill nodded folding his arms in front of him, Corley continued seeing he had guessed correctly. "Fine, and how would you like me to have phrased it, that his wife would be OK?"

"For starters yeah," Bill interrupted the man and pointed a figure at the doctor's chest. "Instead you come in here basically blame him for what happened and then you tell him his wife is going...Might die…"

"Again _Mr._ Maxwell," Corley glared purposely avoiding the man's proper title to show his importance. "How would you have me say it? That his wife is fine, that she is going to leave this hospital better than how she came in? Then when the worst happens then what…"

Corley paused and pinched the bridge of his nose calming his nerves before looking back at Bill, who had backed off some and continued.  
"_Mr. Maxwell_, the truth even sugar coated can still be bitter. What I told your friend was the reality and you would do your friend a disservice if you tried to keep that reality from him."

"Well that won't be a problem, thanks to you." The agent stepped back up to Corley. "You know what doctor your bedside manner really stinks. You don't even know what they have been though over the last year." Bill pointed towards the door Ralph went through. "That Kid…man in there loves his wife and would give his own if he knew it would help. Yet you are blaming him for what happened but you're wrong. Hell… I might not be a doc here, but I know the Counselor is around a lot of people all day with her job. Any one of them could have caused this, but you imply…..

Dr Corley cut Bill off having had enough of the agent's tirade. "Agent Maxwell do you have a medical degree?"

"No ...But what does that have to do..."

"I didn't think so. Now how about you let me do _my_ job and you do the one _you_ were trained for." The doctor stated flatly and walked away from the agent.

Bill watched Corley turn the corner. "Jackass nitwit," he snarled as he walked back to the waiting room.

* * *

The darkness faded to grey then to light. Pam felt like she was sleeping but awake at the same time, hearing all the things going on around her but not understanding them. Every part of her was a dull pain. Her arms and head, when she tried to move them, felt to heavy to move and each breath seemed to take all the strength she had.

She moved her head. Why was she here? What was going on? Was she alive? Were some of the questions that she thought of as she tried to push the fog from her heard and focus, but was unable to.

"Hello Beautiful," Pam heard Ralph say as she felt his hand, which was shaking, brush against her cheek. She opened her eyes some then closed them bringing her hand up instinctively to move whatever was covering her face. Pam felt Ralph's strong but gentle hand stop her. "Don't touch that. You need to leave that there, it's helping you."

She opened her eyes again and her husband's face came into her line of sight. He was wearing a mask but from the look in his eyes, she could see that he had a smile though a sad one. She wanted to tell him she was scared but could not find her voice even to whisper. She closed her eyes and felt tears escape from them.

"Shhh," Ralph wiped at the tears, and while his voice comforted her, she could hear the stress in his voice. She forced her eyes open again so she could see him. _"Ralph I'm scared__,__"_ she thought, wanting him to hear her, to hold her and make it all go away. Pam saw the fear and sadness in his eyes and knew that even though he might not have heard her he saw the fear in her eyes.

The sadness that she saw overwhelmed her, and broke her heart, she closed her eyes again_,_ because she knew he was blaming himself for this. _"Lord please give me the chance to tell Ralph I love him that it's all right, that it isn't his fault, please Lord__...__" _

It was getting hard to breathe; Pam opened her eyes wide in fear trying to hold back the emotions she felt, realizing she could not give into them it would cost her too much if she did. The sudden swamping feeling crossing her chest grew and she felt her ability to breathe slip away.

Ralph's face came back into view. "Pam, shhh stop," she could hear the fear in his voice. She heard a noise and saw him look over his shoulder then back to her "Calm down," he whispered as he wiped away her tears. She locked her eyes on his, willing herself to listen to his voice telling her to calm down. After what seemed like forever to her Pam felt her body follow the direction, and she began to breathe easier.

Everything started to fade again first to grey then black as she tried to fight against it, but her husband's voice calmed her and she let herself fall back into the black...

Ralph watched his wife relax and close her eyes. He sighed rubbing at his own eyes that filled with tears. He leaned over kissing her forehead. "I'm so sorry Pam," he whispered as he ran a hand along her face choking back the sadness. "I'm so sorry..."


	12. Dec 25, 1987 pt1

_**-- Dec 25 1987--**_

"I'm so sorry," Ralph, said sitting back down in the chair next to his wife's bed. He was sitting in the same spot he had for the last two days, and never left except when necessary. Even though Pam was for the most part unresponsive due to the various drugs and medications meant to help her, and probably didn't even know he was there, Ralph did not want to leave, and the nurses and doctors gave up trying to get him to go home, part of that he guessed was because of his friend and partner.

Ralph didn't really know, and he didn't ask, he just waited. He was waiting for her to get better, but his heart was resigned for the worst, that she was going to die. He felt tears in his eyes at the thought; he did not want her to die. He breathed through the swelling emotion forcing them back as he watched Pam sleeping.

Except for the red flush to her cheeks, which indicated she still had a high fever, it was hard for Ralph to distinguish what was whiter – Pam's face or the pillow.

Her breathing was still labored and shallow. She looked peaceful and rested, but Ralph knew it was illusion her body was trying to battle something it had no defense to fight and was at the losing end.

Ralph pushed his emotions back further when he heard a knock at the door and looked up to see Bill, also wearing a mask and gown like him, step into the room. Ralph put a hand up to keep the agent from talking and indicated for him to go back out of the room. Ralph looked back at his wife then joined Bill in the hallway.

Once outside Ralph leaned against the wall, pulling off the protective mask he wore and closed his eyes. Bill watched his friend. He could see in the light of the hall that the man was exhausted, possibly on the verge of collapse. The agent guessed the man had eaten and slept very little if at all in the last four days.

Ralph could feel Bill's gaze on him, and knew what the man was going to say. It was an argument they had the first night Pam was in the hospital: Bill wanted him to go home and Ralph said he was staying. It had almost gotten to blows before Bill backed off and let him be. Ralph hadn't seem him since that night, but if Bill had come by he wouldn't have noticed. He was too concerned for his wife.

"What do you want Bill?" Ralph asked keeping his eyes shut against his friends concern; maybe if he did not see the concern etched on the older man's face, he could block him and then he would not hear what Bill had to say.

"I'm sending you home Kid."

The younger man groaned and opened his eyes. "I'm not going. I can't…"

"Ralph…"

"NO Bill," Ralph stated harshly keeping his voice low and standing up from the wall. He gave his friend a sharp glare then looked through the ICU window into Pam's room. "I already told you I'm not leaving."

"You can't keep this up Ralph." Bill stepped closer placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "When was the last time you ate, or even slept?….Huh when was it?"

Though inside he admitted he didn't know, Ralph simply shrugged the hand off. "I can't leave her." He said so low that it sounded like a plea for Bill to understand and leave him be than a outright statement.

Bill came around the younger man until he stood in front of him. "Kid, I'm not asking you to abandon her…I'm telling you to go home and get some rest. What you're doing isn't going to help the Counselor especially if you end up in the bed next to her," Bill paused letting what he said sink in. He hoped the man would listen. As he watched, he realized two things about his friend's demeanor and it struck him hard – the Kid not only blamed himself but his heart decided to give up.

"You're not in there waiting for her to get better ... you're waiting for her to die," Bill said it in a shocked whisper, not believing what he was thinking, but Ralph confirmed it when he averted his eyes.

Bill continued, horrified at his friend's response. "Kid you can't do that, it isn't your fault, no matter what that quack said to you. The Counselor could've gotten it from anywhere… her work, if she went to the prison to interview a witness…the clinic… any number of places….Plus you know as well as I do how many hours she's been putting in cause of this case…"

"It doesn't matter Bill," Ralph looked up Bill pointing to himself. "I could have paid more attention, used better precaution when I was sick…"

He paused turning his back to Bill and running a hand through his hair in frustration before turning back to the agent. "Don't you understand Bill? I should have kept her away instead of letting her take care of me, or if told her stay home, maybe taken the files for her…"

Bill raised his hands trying to placate the young teacher "Ralph, those were her choices to make. You no more could have forced her to do anything she didn't want to than she could force you to give up the jammies. It's who she is Kid."

The agent sighed placing his hands on Ralph's shoulders forcing his friend to look up at him. "I know what I am talking about and you know as well as I do the Counselor wouldn't have stayed away, and if I remember right she is the one who insisted taking care of you."

"But I should've made her stay..."

"At home…" Bill finished for his young friend "Ok then let's think about that scenario…What if you had kept her home Ralph? What do you think would have happened then?" Bill paused then continued not waiting for Ralph to answer "I'll tell you what would have happened, she could have...No not could have… would have…she more than likely would have collapsed at home the same way she did at the courthouse, only there wouldn't have been anybody there to help her…" Bill let go and ran a hand over his face at the memory. Even though watching his friend's wife collapse in the courthouse scared him, the thought of what might have happened at home scared him more and he knew it scared her husband too.

Bill shook his head slightly, clearing it of the memory as he watched the younger man step back to the window. "Kid you can do the 'what if' thing all you want, but it's not going to change what happened… you can't change it and you can't give up…not now…"

Ralph didn't respond but simply kept looking through the window barrier that separated him from Pam. So many things were uncertain, too many unknowns and it scared the hell out of him. The younger man shifted his gaze from his wife to his friend's reflection in the window meeting the older man's eyes. "She's dying Bill," Ralph said quietly.

"And killing yourself is going to make her better, is going to bring her back?" Bill knew what he said was harsh but he wanted to get the man's attention. It worked.

Ralph looked over his shoulder at the agent, and in that brief second before he turned away and started back to the room, the agent could see all the grief, guilt and pain the younger man was feeling. Bill made a quick decision and stepped in Ralph's way, blocking the door.

The movement was so quick that Ralph almost ran into Bill, but he stopped himself and stepped back. The agent could see that the pain he saw a minute before turn to anger. "Let me through Bill," Ralph asked, though the agent felt it was more of an order.

Bill shook his head, sadness in his eyes slightly reflecting the betrayal he felt. "I can't do that Ralph." The agent's refusal to move shocked Ralph, but he quickly recovered stepping closer to his partner.

"I asked you to move Bill. I want to stay with Pam."

"I can't do that," Bill's face was set as was the rest of him, making Ralph well aware that unless he had the suit on – which he did not- he wasn't going to get Bill to move - at least without trying something that'd get him hurt in the process. Despite this, Ralph stood his ground.

Bill ran a hand over his face before he continued, he figured he had one chance to make Ralph understand what he was saying, and that he would see that it was for his own good. "Ralph, You ain't thinking straight, you need to go home and rest, for your sake as well as the Counselor's," Bill stated then sighed. He really did not want to do this but the doctors asked him to intervene, as they feared for the man's health, not only physical but also emotional health as well. "Kid, you have two choices… you either go on your own or…"

The schoolteacher narrowed his eyes at the agent knowing what he was going to say and finished for him. "Or what huh? You will arrest me?"

"I'm sorry Ralph, but if I have to ... yeah."

Ralph felt as though he had crashed into a train again. "Bill you can't do that…" he half pleaded with his friend.

It broke Bill's heart to see his friend hurting at this, but he knew it was for the man's health. "I can Ralph, especially if they ask me to - and they nearly have already - and even if it's to hold you till the local guys get here I'll do what I have to."

"You wouldn't dare." Ralph growled, clenching a hand into a fist.

"I would Kid," Bill simply stated, and Ralph knew by the agent's look, Bill would follow through with his threat. He relaxed his hand, realizing that if he even attempted to hit Bill he'd be arrested. He instead felt betrayed. "Fine, have it your way," Ralph turned, pulled off the gown and mask he was wearing and started to walk away then stopped, not turning around. "I'll be back in a few hours…when I do; I don't want you here, Bill…"

"Ralph..."

Ralph shook his head, standing straighter. "I mean it Bill, and I don't want you around at all from here on out," he finished without turning around.

Bill just looked at the man's back. He was surprised by Ralph's statement but also understood it as being from exhaustion. Bill knew there was no way at that moment he could change Ralph's mind. "That's your choice Kid," he said softly.

Ralph simply nodded tossing the gown and mask in a hamper, and walked off leaving the agent alone in the hall.

--


	13. Dec 25 1987 pt2

**_Dec 25 1987 Cont_**

Ralph was not sure how he ended up at the hospital chapel. After leaving Bill, he just started walking where he could in the building; he did not intend to obey his friend's order. Ralph did not want to go home; there was nothing there for him. His whole world lay upstairs.

The man had passed the chapel several times until the last time he stopped and stood where he was just inside the door. The chapel was empty, dimly lit and decorated for the Christmas holiday. To his left was a stained glass wall, which was illuminated from behind casting different colors from the glass across the rows of armless chairs and room along the front there was a low table that he guessed was the alter table.

In the back corner to his right, Ralph saw a tall Christmas tree lavishly decorated with white lights that sparkled and lit up the small corner. It reminded him of the one that sat at home unattended and forgotten, a grim reminder of the holiday and the woman he was not able to joyfully spend it with.

This was supposed to be the season when miracles happened, when joy and peace where supposed to be seen and felt, but instead all he saw was death, grief and pain. There was no joy in this season for him and his heart sank at the thought it might never be filled with joy again.

Ralph turned away from the tree, walked to one of the back rows of the small chapel, and sat down.

He leaned forward and rested his hands on the seat in front of him. He then rested his head on his hands. Ralph felt like the whole world was crashing around him. He had come to the end. There was no place for him to go, nowhere to turn and he did the only thing he could think of at that moment. He prayed.

Ralph never thought of himself as religious, and he was not sure if his prayer would be heard but he did it anyway. It was all he had left. He prayed with all his heart that his wife would not die, that some miracle would happen and she would get better. Ralph prayed for strength to where he felt none.

He prayed until he couldn't hold back his emotions anymore and he just let himself cry, letting all the anger, sorrow and grief that had built up over the last year out. He wept until he was completely empty, and tired, he laid across the row of chairs to rest before he walked again. He only intended to stay for a few minutes but instead felt peace wash over him and sleep take him.

* * *


	14. Dec 25 1987 pt3

**_Dec 25 1987 Cont_**

A couple of hours later, Bill Maxwell was standing at the nurse's station outside Pam's room trying to call his friend. Bill was worried about him especially after the way the Kid left earlier in the evening.

"C'mon Ralph pick up the phone you still can't be sore at me," Bill said in frustration pulling at the mask that hung around his neck. When there was no answer Bill hung up the phone he was holding, and then rubbed a hand across the back of his neck closing his eyes. Many thoughts rushed through his head about what could have happened to Ralph, each one growing worse knowing that the man was not wearing the suit to protect him. "Geesh, I'm starting to sound just like the Kid right now - thinking the worst," he muttered slightly.

"Is there something wrong sir?" A concerned voice asked and Bill looked up to see a nurse standing at the station looking at him.

"I'm trying to reach a friend to update him on his wife and to see if he is OK."

The woman nodded, having an idea whom he was speaking about. "Are you talking about Mr. Hinkley?"

"Yeah, when the Ki…I mean when Ralph left he seemed pretty distraught and I wanted to see if he was OK."

The nurse smiled some. "Oh, yes I overheard your 'conversation' with him," said the nurse, shaking her head. "You told him to go home... but I don't think he listened."

"How so?" Bill asked curious and slightly upset that Ralph did not listen to him though it didn't really surprise him. Also, given how long it had been since he last spoke with the man, he was thankful, however, that Ralph was not lying unconscious - or worse - somewhere between the hospital and his house.

"I saw him in the chapel about an hour ago… and I think he might still be there …"

"Why do you think he would still be there?"

"He was asleep." The nurse shrugged "I did not have the heart to wake him up; especially since I have seen him here, every day since his wife arrived. I don't think he ever tried to leave the hospital or would until you said something to him - or carried him out on your shoulders, kicking and screaming like an angry two-year-old."

Bill shook his head, smiling faintly. 'At least the Kid listened to part of what I said' Bill thought then asked to use the phone again to call a cab for Ralph before going to the chapel.

* * *

Ralph felt someone shaking his shoulder, trying to get him to wake up. He pushed the offender off and rolled over, only to feel whatever he was lying on disappear and himself falling. Ralph then hit the floor with a groan.

"I'm sorry Ralph I didn't mean to startle you," he heard his friend chuckle and apologize. Ralph opened his eyes looking up at the concerned face of the agent, who was trying unsuccessfully to hide a smile.

"So I can tell. That's why I'm on the floor," Ralph deadpanned then reached out his hand. Bill helped him back up to the chair before sitting next to the younger man. He wasn't sure how Bill found him, but guessed someone had told the agent to investigate a suspicious curly blonde-haired man sleeping in the chapel.

Seeing Ralph stare at him, Bill put both his hands up. "Hey don't look at me. I told you to go home and sleep…."

Ralph rubbed his shoulder. "Yeah, I know ... Guess I was more tired than I thought." He looked sideways at the agent, who was leaning forward on his knees in the seat next to him. Bill looked lost in thought.

Noticing Bill's look, Ralph hoped the only reason Bill was here was to make sure he obeyed and went home and that there was not something wrong. "Is Pam OK?" said Ralph, growing slightly worried.

Bill looked up, shaken out of his thoughts. "Huh... oh yeah she's fine. A doctor came by…"

"What did he say," Ralph tried to keep his voice steady, but was fully prepared for the worst.

Seeing his friend think it was bad news, Bill quickly assured him that was not the case. "No... No, it's OK. She's fine…I mean as fine as…well…"

"I understand Bill," Ralph chuckled softly at the older agent as the man stumbled over his words. Ralph leaned back in his chair running a hand through his hair, remembered what he said earlier to his partner. The anger he felt then was gone but in its place was guilt over what he said.

"I'm sorry what I said earlier Bill … It's just..."

Bill put his hand up. "I know Kid, you're thinking worst case scenario, but you can't think that way…."

"It's more than that..." the younger man tried to interrupt but Bill continued over him.

"Kid, listen. You are exhausted, and you are scared. This is not an easy thing to deal with. No one is expecting you to be 100 percent strong, 100 percent of the time."

"I know that Bill," Ralph said standing up, stepping around Bill and started to pace "But I can't stop thinking that I might be the reason she is here, or that if I leave something will happen and I won't get back in time..."

Bill turned around in his chair so he could see Ralph, who was pacing the back of the room "Nothing is going to happen to her, Ralph. She is tough she has to be. I mean she has to put up with us on a daily basis right?" the agent chuckled.

"Yeah I guess," Ralph smirked as he stopped in mid-stride in front of the Christmas tree lost in thought.

Bill sighed and stood up. He walked over coming to a stop next to Ralph who was still watching the lights twinkle on the tree. "I know most of what your feeling is because you need to get some sleep. That much shows with you taking a nap on these wooden planks they are passing off as chairs for as long as you were."

Looking at his watch, Ralph smiled slightly rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah not the most comfortable place to sleep, especially for just over two hours."

Bill chuckled. "No, not the best place, which is why I was sending you home…." Ralph tried to say something but Bill stopped him. "I don't need you to drop and end up in a room, and that goes double when the Counselor needs you. And you know as well as I do they won't let you see her if that happens."

Ralph nodded agreeing with Bill, who continued. "Also, if something happened, I've got Tommy near a phone and they'll drive over and get you real quick."

"I wonder what Carlisle will say about you using agents for personal business," said Ralph, remembering the last story Bill told his superior about another trashed tan sedan caused from a suit scenario.

"Who cares what that schmuck says; this is the Counselor we are talking about here…" Bill stopped when he heard Ralph chuckle next to him. Bill had a soft spot for Pam but older agent would never admit it. Bill cleared his throat to cover his embarrassment before he continued. "Well you know what I mean, anyway if something goes wr…happens I will have someone there quick to get you."

"I hope you don't have to make that call," Ralph nodded growing serious again.

"So do I kid," Bill placed a hand on the man's shoulder "But that is my worst case scenario. You forget I was where you are now Ralph."

"But you didn't give up Bill; you did what she asked you to do. Pam has not made that choice she is still fighting." Ralph hung his head crossing his arms. "But I did, I was ready to accept the fact she could die instead of being strong. Instead of fighting with her I was accepting defeat."

"You're right Ralph I didn't give up, but it was different. For Karen it was too much and she was far beyond what medicine could do for her at the time."

Bill placed a hand on the man's shoulder again and turned Ralph to face him. "That is at least one difference between your wife and Karen. You have to see it in here, and have it stick too," he pointed to the man's chest. "The Counselor has not given up, and you're not either. I know you've been sitting there and thinking the worst, but part of that is you're tired. Even you know deep down that it is part of this giving up drivel."

Ralph walked away from Bill. "I hear what you are saying Bill…but..."

"Then go home, eat and get some sleep and you'll be ready to fight with her again. Then, you can come back here and stay with her for another long while before we do this again." Bill paused and smiled "But only under one condition."

Ralph turned back around, curious as to what could possibly be a condition to this. "What's that?"

"No jammies. Don't think I can explain why there's an agent-sized hole in the wall if you get mad and punch me."

Ralph chuckled, running a hand over his eyes as he yawned. "Deal..."

"And none to soon….C'Mon there is a taxi outside with your name on it" Bill said starting to lead Ralph to the door.

Ralph stopped and looked at Bill "Taxi? I didn't…"

"I know," Bill stated then continued walking exiting the chapel "I ordered one when I heard you were counting sheep in here….

"And you wanted to make sure I obeyed this time…" Ralph smiled keeping pace with the older man

"Uh yeah... that ... and I'm saving my skin."

"How's that Bill?"

"Well, first I thought you'd be OK to go home on your own, but given you decided to be a church rat, I figured you couldn't drive, and…" Bill waved his hands around, trying to explain why. "I know this way you get home in one piece and aren't making another trip here, but on a gurney. And if that happened, the Counselor would roast me alive for letting you drive and get hurt."

"See your point," Ralph rolled his eyes and chuckled. "But I think she would roast both of us." Bill nodded and the two men continued walking toward the hospital entrance.

Once there they saw the taxi was already waiting. After Bill gave the man money that would more than cover Ralph's trip to his home, the men said their goodnights and arranged for the next morning when Ralph would came back.

"Its 11:30 now, I can be back here around 9:30, to give you a break," Ralph as he got into the Taxi.

"Take your time Kid," Bill said shutting the door and looking in through the open window "I know you want to get back here, but like I said….."

Ralph put both hands up in surrender. "I know I know…"

"Get some rest," Both men finished in unison and laughed. Ralph let the laughter fade before continuing.

"Bill, Thanks for…"

Bill waved the gesture off. "Would you quit with the drivel Ralph, I didn't do anything except make sure our team stays a team that's all."

Ralph smiled; he knew Bill accepted the thank you, despite his glossing it over as nothing. Bill stepped away from the taxi as it pulled away and stuck his hands in his coat pocket to keep them warm and felt something. He pulled the item out then remembered what it was.

"Wait Ralph," Bill shouted, Ralph signaled for the taxi to stop, and looked back at Bill who handed him a small velvet blue pouch through the window when he lowered it. Ralph looked at it curiously and proceeded to open it; shaking the contents into his hand he was surprised to see the bracelet he had given Pam in October.

Ralph looked up at his friend who continued. "It must have fallen off when she passed out or when they were working on her... at the courthouse that is. Found it after they put her on the gurney and as I started to follow." Bill pointed to the bracelet. "The clasp was broken and I had it fixed knowing how important it was to you and the Counselor. You would not believe the strings I had to pull to find a place that would fix it."

"I can imagine," Ralph replied looking at the bracelet, turning it over in his hand. He was relieved to have it back, as he thought it was gone forever. The first day at the hospital, he did not see it even after looking through her personal items the nurses gave him. Ralph knew Pam hardly ever took it off and had seen it on her wrist when she left for work. He did not think to ask Bill where it was, and if his friend told him during the last couple of days, he could not remember.

He looked up when he heard Bill ask him if he was OK, Ralph nodded looking back at the jewelry. To him it was like having a piece of his wife with him instead of her in the hospital.

"I thought I lost her…" Ralph whispered still looking down.

"I know," Bill said solemnly understanding and not missing the reference to Pam rather than the bracelet Ralph held. "But you didn't lose her and you not going to Ralph, besides the Counselor's though, still has a lot of kicking and hollering."

Ralph chuckled at his friend's choice of words and thought about the last year especially the last few days. "Miracles do happen don't they, Bill?"

"Yeah they do Kid," Bill nodded watching the younger man as Ralph closed his hand clasping the bracelet close to his heart and look up at the older agent.

"Merry Christmas Bill," Ralph smiled, and then signaled to the driver that he was ready to go.

"Merry Christmas Ralph," Bill replied and stepped back from the curb watching the taxi leave, once it turned out of the driveway he went back into the hospital, hoping that his reassurances to his friend didn't prove him wrong.


	15. January 1988

Sorry for the delay Real Life happens. And I had to put this aside till I dealt with them. Now they are dealt with here is the next chapter I hope you enjoy and please review I enjoy them and they help in keeping the chapters comming.

oh and thank my beta for the encouragement and pushing to get me to finish this chapter.

* * *

January 1988.

Two men jogged through the rain keeping their coats closed tightly around them and heads bowed to ward off the downpour that had started the minute they pulled into the hospital parking lot. Once inside the hospital they made their way to the bank of elevators shacking off the water they had accumulated during their trip from the car to the entrance.

"Man it is really raining cats and dogs out there Ralph," Bill groused pushing the call button for the elevator then ran a hand through his hair then frowned when he pulled it back soaking wet. "Once we get the Counselor sprung from this Cracker Jack box, we are going to have to use a boat just to get out of here."

Ralph chuckled looking at his own attire wishing he had brought an umbrella or something instead of listening to the weather report - which said sunny skies and warm weather. The song "It never rains in Southern California" ran through his head.

"Never rains my foot," he grumbled under his breath as they waited for the elevator. His friend who seemed to take sudden pleasure in the man's discomfort did not miss the grumble.

"I told you it was going to rain Ralph," Bill chortled as the doors opened and they stepped into the waiting elevator. "You should have listened to me Kid. Yep could feel it in the old.. bon.. I mean gut..." Bill quickly corrected his wording from "old bones" to keep Ralph from having any ammunition to use against him, especially when the agent did not consider himself as old anything.

Ralph, not willing to let an opportunity to jab his friend go by quickly picked up on the slip "Well I don't know Bill, I mean if those _old bones_, keep acting up we might have to put you out to pasture," Ralph smirked as he pushed the button for Pam's floor. "Maybe you need to start thinking about retirement…"

"Would you can it Ralph? I'm not retiring, so don't get your hopes up, you and the FBI have me for the long haul Kid. I still got fight, and I'm not leaving 'til I am pushing up daisies."

"I'm sure you will Bill," Ralph chuckled as he shook his head watching his friend go into full rant mode. It was not hard to get the agent to that level - just push the right buttons and poof off his friend went. The elevator stopped after one floor letting an orderly board before continuing, cutting off any further rant from Bill.

Ralph leaned back against the wall, as Bill glared at him when he realized his young friend had once again had suckered him. With a smile Ralph closed his eyes, satisfied with his game, though nothing could make him happier right at that moment other than the fact Pam was being released today after nearly four weeks in the hospital. Two of those had been spent in ICU to keep Pam from relapsing into her illness before she was moved to a regular room.

The elevator slowed, bringing Ralph from the wall to get ready to exit. He let out a sigh when he saw it had only gone two floors since the last stop and the floor was not the one they wanted. The door opened letting the orderly out they closed again continuing the journey as Ralph bounced nervously on the balls of his feet.

Bill reached over stopping Ralph mid bounce by placing a hand on his shoulder. "Ralph, would you quit it, you're making me seasick here. Geeze how much coffee did you have this morning?"

Ralph grinned sheepishly. "Guess I am a little excited…."The elevator chime announcing their arrival to Pam's floor cut Ralph off and he was out the door before they completely opened.

"Oh yeah... just a _little_..." Bill smirked to himself shaking his head as he followed Ralph joining the younger man who was waiting for him in the hall.

"Thanks for picking me up at the house Bill," Ralph said as they continued down the hall "I just don't understand what happened to the wagon. I took it in just the other…."

"I'll tell you what the problem is Ralph… it's old. It's time for the automobile graveyard. Along with that circus go-cart the counselor calls a car."

Ralph smirked at Bill's observation choosing not to comment considering the agent's own government issued car was a much better candidate for the "automobile graveyard" than his. Besides, Ralph thought to himself, his car was working fine, but it would work even better though if he had put gas in it yesterday, but he wasn't about to admit this mistake to Bill.

"Mr. Hinkley," a voice called as they passed the nurses' station. Both men paused and Ralph turned to the station as the man, whom he recognized as Pam's oncologist Dr. Moss, came from behind the station. He was short, skinny, and had green eyes that peeked out from behind thick dark rimmed glasses that were too large for the doctor's ruddy face.

This along with the bright red hair and his habit to wear very loud ties and colorful clothing under his white lab coat gave the man a comical appearance. All Moss needed was a cigar and a bushy mustache to complete the image of Groucho Marx in Ralph's head.

"Mr. Hinkley, I'm glad I caught..." Moss continued.

"Dr. Moss," Ralph interrupted, a little concerned as he shook the doctor's hand. He was slightly apprehensive at Moss's presence at that moment - most of Pam's last week in the hospital had been filled with tests to determine if she needed to continue with the last two treatments that had been postponed because the doctors felt it would compromise her already weakened health. They had favorable results right before she got sick, and Ralph believed their luck was still good and that they would be able to forgo further treatments and the test showed total remission. At least that is what he hoped.

After the initial greeting a nervous silence fell between the three, Ralph who sensed the smaller man had to discuss something, but didn't want to in front of his friend broke the silence. "Uh Bill, why don't you go see if Pam is ready while I talk to Dr. Moss and make sure all the papers are settled?"

Catching the hint Bill excused himself, once the older man left Ralph turned back to Moss, who took him aside but not too far from his wife's room. "Mr. Hinkley," Moss started clearing his throat slightly before continuing. "As you know the reason for the extra week here was for tests. Now I have already discussed these results with your wife…."

"What do you mean you already discussed them with Pam?" Ralph interrupted the doctor with a glare a slight edge of irritation could be heard in his voice. "I thought it was agreed that all results be discussed together…"

"I understand that Mr. Hinkley," Dr. Moss interrupted the man. "But your wife insisted she be consulted before you were brought in. I am sorry but my job is to the patient first then to the family. And I am obligated to them first. If that was her request, which it was, then I have to follow it."

Ralph lowered his head submitting to what the doctor said and nodded. He didn't like it, and would talk to Pam about it, but for right now he knew he had to agree with Dr. Moss.

When Moss saw he had the man's undivided attention he continued.

"As I was saying Mr. Hinkley, we kept your wife an extra week to run some tests, mostly to confirm something we found on the scans we took in December, and convince your wife to continue treatment. I was hoping you can convince her…."

Whatever else the doctor was going to say was cut off by the storm brewing in the eyes of the man glaring at him. "What do you mean confirm what you found in December?" Ralph growled through clenched teeth, he held up a hand stopping whatever reply Moss had and continued. "It is the end of January and you're just now telling me of something you found in December? Last time I heard anything it was everything was fine and going as planned and now I'm finding out that it's not the case…"

Dr. Moss took a step back only to find himself backed up against the wall, "I take it your wife failed to mention this…" he swallowed and smiled nervously. Even though he was a small man he didn't normally get intimidated, but everything about the blond curly haired man standing in front of told him to be wary and he nervously looked around for help as Ralph took a step closer entering the smaller man's personal space.

Ralph stared at the man standing in front of him not sure who or what he was most furious with. Dr. Moss, his wife or fate and the hand it had dealt them. Maybe it was all three, all he knew was anger and frustration, and right now the quivering doc was a convenient outlet for that storm.

A firm hand on his shoulder stopped him from doing any harm and Ralph quickly turned around to face the intruder, only to find Bill, whom he hadn't noticed come up behind him, staring at him like he lost his mind, which Ralph vaguely wondered was true. Maybe he had lost himself and this was just some nightmare that he couldn't escape from.

"Ralph, what's going on?" the agent asked slightly concerned as to where his partner's actions was headed if he hadn't stepped in. "I helping the Counselor and I hear World War Three going….

A glare from Ralph cut off the older agent as he looked between the two men then at the door. With a small growl of frustration Ralph turned on his heel without another word and headed in the direction of his wife's door. Bill watched the younger man walk away, pause a second at the door then enter.

Once Ralph was inside, Bill turned his full attention on the doctor, fully ready to pin all the blame of what he just witnessed on the man. Bill brought his hands to his hips, and the fact that he slightly pushed his jacket to the side revealing his gun did not go unnoticed by the Moss. "You mind explaining that response doc?" He asked with his best glare that he usually reserved for criminals. Dr. Moss swallowed hard, wishing for the first time in his career he had chosen a different profession.

* * *

Ralph stopped in front of Pam's door to collect his thoughts before entering. He wasn't sure how to handle what he just heard. He was both angry and grief stricken at the same time. The doctor's words had hurt like a blow to the stomach, but what hurt more was that Pam had kept this information… in his eyes very important information ... from him.

With a sigh, Ralph placed a hand on the door and pushed it open revealing his wife packing the last of her items in the overnight bag he had brought the day before. With a heavy heart he walked over as Pam looked up.

"Oh Ralph good you're here," she smiled leaning over slightly to give Ralph a kiss before continuing to pack. "I'm almost done packing, and I could use your help I decided to give the flowers to the other patients..."

"All right," Ralph simply nodded running hand through his hair, his mind still on what he had learned and not really paying attention to what was being said "Um, Pam we need to talk…"

"So I need you to take them to the nurses' station. They should know what to do from there…" Pam continued talking over Ralph. After several attempts to get her attention Ralph finally had to place his hands on hers stopping what Ralph could easily recognize after five years of marriage as nervous energy.

Ralph knew everyone else; including Bill just saw it as excitement for finally being released. And in some ways that might be true. He was happy too that they would be leaving this place there was no denying that. But he had spent many nights with her before the start of a big trial to know the difference.

He was also pretty sure his wife heard "World War Three" as Bill put it. Even if she didn't hear the words, he knew that Pam figured out what it was about and that Ralph was not going to let it go.

"Pam..."

Pam cut him off by pulling her hands back before turning the window she stood looking out staring at nothing in particular. "Dr. Moss told you," she said matter-of-factly.

Ralph took a step toward Pam, but her body language told him she didn't want him near so he sat on the edge of the bed facing her instead. "Yes, what did you expect..."

"I expected was that little thing called Doctor-Patient confidentially"

"Don't throw that legalize crap around Pam. It may work in the court room or that Doctor I just chewed out but it doesn't work on me." Ralph ran a hand threw his hair the continued "He thought you told me… that I already knew… I mean that isn't such a wild assumption - we are man and wife after all we are not _expected_ to keep secrets like this from.…"

Ralph paused realizing his was letting his anger get the best of him. He continued forcing his voice low much like he would when controlling a unruly classroom "It's his job to keep me informed especially when you don't."

Pam turned "Ralph you don't understand…"

"You're right Pam I don't understand." Ralph interrupted as he stood, jamming his hands into his pant pockets and started to pace. "I don't understand why you didn't tell me, why I had to hear it from your doctor weeks after the fact. Can you explain that to me Pam: Why I had to find out that way?"

"Ralph, I'm an adult and I have the right to choose what I want to do. Why are you being so unreasonable about this - it was my choice."

"Unreasonable..." Ralph stopped his pacing and stared at his wife "I'm told my wife has refused treatment that has kept her alive months after she was diagnosed with cancer and I am unreasonable. Pam this isn't like you went out and bought a car and forgot to tell me. This is our life, what you _choose _to do with that life effects both of us not just you Pam.

"It's my life" Pam nearly shouted back emphasizing her point with her hand over her heart. "My choice Ralph…"

"Wrong..." Ralph cut her off coming around the bed to stand directly in front of her "Wrong Pam... it stopped being just your choice when we said 'I do'."

"You're not the one who's going through this," she pushed by him and continued as she started to pace much as Ralph had before. " I am. I'm the one who has to go through this..."

"No WE ARE Pam. WE - you and I... are the ones going through this."

Pam stopped mid-stride and glowered angrily at her husband. "No, I am - I'm the one going through chemo, the one who was here in the hospital nearly dying of pneumonia and the flu and then find out I would have to do it all over again. Ralph I already did it and it didn't work and I am mad as hell that it didn't and I don't see the point if six months or even five years down the road we are right back here."

"So you are just you're giving up?" Ralph shot back as he crossed the room grabbing her by the shoulders "What about us...you're just going to throw it all away because of a bump in the road. What happened to what you said at Thanksgiving about having something to live for…"

"It's not the same..." It came out barely as a whisper as she bowed her head then shrugged out of Ralph's hold to walk back to the window. Her back stayed turned to Ralph.

"Tell me how it isn't the same Pam," He followed her. "Make me understand- tell me what you had to live for in November but now you don't," Ralph almost pleaded with her. He wanted to understand, but couldn't wrap his mind around her change of attitude towards the treatment.

He could understand fear, or even the pain of going through all that again, but that isn't what he saw, It was indifference to it that he saw, that she didn't care either way what happened and that is what he didn't understand. Why she was willing to give up so easily especially when he knew she was much stronger than that.

Pam for her part was silent to the question continuing her vigil at the window.

"I'm waiting Pam...

"It's just different," she whispered, playing with the edge of the curtain "Things change."

"How is it different, what's changed?" Ralph pestered, as to him it was a poor excuse his normally strong wife gave.

Pam just looked up at the sky outside of her window shaking her head and blinking back the emotion she felt. She couldn't explain something she didn't know or understand herself. "I don't know," she whispered.

"What," Ralph asked more because she had said it so quietly and wasn't sure what she said. Pam swung around angrily out of exasperation from being forced to explain something she couldn't.

"I DON'T KNOW" She shouted "I don't know, all right is that what you want to hear?! I don't know why it's different... I don't understand any of it. ... I mean I was getting better everything was fine...and now it's not ... I fee ...feel like I am back to square one and there isn't a damn thing I could do about it," she turned back around wrapping her arms around herself, trying to calm her anger and frustration down.

"Yes there is, you can go through the treatment again..." Ralph answered stepping closer to wrap his own around her missing the signs that said to stay clear.

"Ralph don't…please," she growled, stepping away from him. "I don't want to be coddled...because this isn't something a hug is going to take away…it just isn't. Even if I continue it is always going to be there in the back of my mind wondering if it's back. And I don't know if I can do that...I can't live with the not knowing..."

"...And you think the alternative is better?" he said bluntly, his words tainted with bitterness.

"That's not fair."

"Fair…Fair" Ralph said wide eyed in disbelief, looking at the sky as if the green guys or the heavens could help out right then. "First she tells me I am being unreasonable and now I am being unfair..." he finished letting out a sarcastic chuckle as he walked to the other end of the room and back.

He did this a few times as if thinking or to calm himself down Pam wasn't sure which it was and at this point she didn't really care she just wanted to go home and forget the whole thing.

"You know what Pam," Ralph turned and started toward her as if he came up with a great idea and couldn't wait to tell her "You're right I am being unreasonable...maybe even a little unfair." He stopped in front of her waving a hand in the air "I mean it's not every day a husband gets to watch what is essentially his wife committing _suicide._"

The last word was said sarcastically and through clenched teeth almost making it sound like a dirty word. Pam responded to the insult by slapping Ralph soundly across the face. Ralph stunned as much as Pam by the action raised a hand in defense stopping short of the retaliation by clenching his fist and walking to the far side of the room where he let his anger out on the defenseless wall. By the sound there was no doubt Ralph did some damage to his hand as Bill walked into the room.

By the silent tension in the room and finding his friends in what was essentially their separate corners with Ralph holding his right hand to his chest. Knowing by what the doctor said it wasn't something he could help resolve, that this was something only Ralph and Pam could decide the older agent choose to ignore the tension and hoped to defuse the situation at least for now.

"Well boys and girls, I don't know about you but I am ready to blow this poop stand," Bill laughed nervously waving the release papers Dr. Moss had given him.

Seeing what Bill was trying to do and appreciating the gesture Ralph sighed, taking the papers from him as he jokingly corrected his old friend "It's Popsicle stand, Bill not…"

Bill waved him off "Pop... Poop all the same... now let's gets a move on... I 'm hungry..."

"You're always..."

"Hungry Bill"

Ralph started and Pam finished then both shared a small smile before Ralph turned back to Bill though his eyes never really left Pam who now sat on the edge of the bed. "Look Bill why don't you take this stuff downstairs and give us a few minutes OK?"

Bill looked between the two. "Oh yeah sure Ralph, maybe I could put on my monkey suit and pull the car around for you too while I'm at it," he said with a mock sarcasm at being a "chauffer."

"Yeah sure, Bill whatever you say," was Ralph's reply as he sat next to Pam on her right, confirming to Bill he had been summarily dismissed. Just as he was out the door he called back over his shoulder. "You might get the Doc to look as that hand too before we leave Kid..."

Ralph just shook his head and smirked, watching the door close. He was sure he was successful in hiding the injured hand and how much it hurt from the field agent, but this was Bill and there wasn't much he could get by him.

Turning back to his wife, Ralph placed his arm across her shoulders and gently pulled her close until her head rested on his shoulder.

"Ralph, please don't," Pam resisted some by staying sitting upright but not shrugging off her husband's arm. "I've already told you this isn't going to be resolved by a few 'I'm sorry' and some comfort. I can't let it go that easily..."

Ralph nodded, laying his injured hand in his lap. "You're right Pam," he conceded looking down at his hand. "It's not going to be resolved that easily but I want you to hear me out OK?" He asked looking up at Pam.

When she nodded he continued. "This disease has been our life for a long time, but it isn't a life sentence handed down by some judge. Not yet anyway, and I can't let it turn into that," he said, reflecting on the fight. "I have already had a glimpse of what it would be like without you here over the last month. I didn't it like it and you are asking too much right now - you want me to accept what you decided. You are too much a part of my life I can't give you up that easily. Not after coming so far."

Seeing Pam glance away slightly, Ralph gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "You're right there is no guarantee it will work, but nothing in this life is guaranteed, even walking out the door is risk," he said. "But we don't let the fear of the unknown on the other side of that door keep us from opening it. WE can't let the fear of the unknown keep us from life Pam."

He paused looking at his wife's now bowed head, and placing a hand under her chin, he raised it. "I can't force you to change your mind. You have to want this for yourself as much as for me. I am just telling you my wants. But whatever you decide I will still be here."

Pam nodded she knew it hurt Ralph to say that, but he was giving her the space to decide. "OK then" Ralph smiled though it didn't reach his eyes as he ran hand down her cheek. "Let's blow this joint. Besides we wouldn't want the fancy chauffer to wait. They're liable to turn into a pumpkin" Ralph tilted his head then smiled even bigger "Besides, at the rate this is going, Bill's going to tire of people giving him quarters thinking he's some med student in need of a new suit."

"I heard that," came a protest from the other side of the door that could only come from Bill. He opened the door, sending the couple into fit of giggles. Seeing his friends laughing was a good sight to see something he hadn't seen in a long time, "Kids" he rolled his eyes in feigned annoyance then unable to resist it any longer joined in.


End file.
